Empty mind

Sometimes I wish I could understand exactly how this helps me.
The truth is I don't know how or why, but these pages just help me empty out my mind.
I guess this is the only way I get to be completely honest without worrying if it will hurt others.
I know people don't really care about things like that.
I know I have suffered a lot because of that.
Well I guess even doing my best to avoid it, I sometimes fall on this old trap.
Right now at least, I don't think I can make this mistake.
Truth is, I am being so careful I may end up missing some opportunities.
It is just a little hard for me.
I tend to use the past as reference, when the point is this is all new for me.
And maybe my old lessons and theories will not work at all...
I only expect to get the most out of it for my future.
After all, this is the single reason why I am taking all these risks.
-x- written on 18.12.2011

New in town

Wish I could summ up in a couple of lines how much things have changed,
How much I cried, doubted myself, gave up,
And with lots of support, got back up.
But it is not as easy as it may seem.
There were lots of things in between,
And even now, nearly two months after it all happened,
I still have trouble processing it.
Yes, I did leave my country and yes,
Here I am doing the craziest thing in my life.
Not quite the way I pictured, but as challenging as I need.
Guess I didn't want to precipitate myself.
Well, this is it now.
I've been away for two months, I am still troubled by loneliness from time to time.
However, nothing is too hard. Not too hard to try.
Sometimes I feel I could just stay here forever.
Sometimes my heart shows up...
I am still getting used to not knowing what happens next.
But I guess it fits me well. I can't ruin what I can't predict.
I can't make mistakes without premisses.
-x- written on 16.12.2011

Gone?

This is it once again. I should be used to this.
I should be used to the pain.
But it is what it is, and since so much has changed,
I can say I got lucky...
It could have been much worse...
I can't seem to know or understand what lies ahead.
It's a new game, new people, new threats.
I don't feel scared, at least right now.
I am kind of relieved to leave.
Too many farewells, too many goodbyes.
Of course I may never come back.
Free to vanish, still being alive.
Well, I know it won't solve anything.
Everywhere I go there will be people, pain, prejudice.
And there is nothing I can do besides live my life.
Follow the steps they want and expect,
One at a time.
Then, run away a couple of times to find more reasons to smile.
-x-
Written on 30-09-2011

Almost there

It's getting closer and closer.
I can't even think of it anymore.
If I get too anxious things will not work out well.
As the distance shortens I feel like I can not leave things the way they are.
So much I still don't understand.
So much I don't think I ever will.
It's almost time.
I am going to start it all over, once again.
I doubt it will be easy, I know I've still got it. I must.
Somehow I feel like growing up for real.
This will be different. This will be fun.
No idea how to make sure I don't end up with the same mistakes.
I just want to go.
I just want to fade away.
-x-
Written on 12-09-2011

Survive

Time to start it all over...
And I don't even know where from.
There's this one little voice in the back of my head,
Saying this is way too much.
And, of course, too much for myself...
Sometimes I think it would be better for all this to end like we did.
Just keep the good memories so we can laugh at them whenever we meet.
Nothing else. This is so much easier.
I don't feel like I am capable of going any further here...
This is not the best way to carry out a life.
This is the only way I learned how to live.
I have put myself aside for so long,
It now seems impossible to go back in.
I don't think I will ever ace this task.
I don't think I will ever be able to live, the way you do.
-x-
Written on 13-07-2011

Him

Sometimes I find myself remembering all those things,
Remembering them, remembering us.
It was all so new,
It was all so cool.
Right now it is so distant and so silly.
Who would have thought...
You beyond everything, why you right?
It would had been just another year, though that changed it,
That changed me.
I don't know why after that, nothing seems as good...
I don't feel like finding anything like that again.
Of course it is due to fear, mainly because we both know how it ended up...
And of course my main quality is by far not courage...
What just sucks is that I now don't have the guts...
Maybe someday I'll feel like it's gone,
But as life keeps going I just can't help but to look back.
Back to the time when it didn't look so bad.
-x-
Written on 12-06-2011

Time to go...

I feel like if I start writing I may never stop again. 

So much happened and because of that my whole world felt apart like a sand castle

...who would have guessed..I couldn't, I didn't...

Now all I want is to get rid of this once and for all...

I don't feel like coming back, like ever coming back here, 

this city has never told me to leave so clearly before. 

I feel like I can for sure go back to the way I was before meeting any of them. 

I was better of just surviving the way I was used to. 

Now I feel like I need to meet this sort of pattern that has already proved itself useless. 

I need a new theory, a new way of life, or a new way to survive. 

Because that is all I do, I am not like you, never was, never will. 

I may have fooled all of you into this, and I am terribly sorry for it. 

It was not my intention to involve so may people into this, I don't even know how I managed to. 

But people don't do what they don't want to, 

So I must assume you are as damaged as me. 

She was, and I know this. I may not know her, I never said I knew. but I know this, this little, just this. 

Indeed I am sorry. 

Too much time and now I have to leave. 

Five years, I knew it would go wrong, this was not how things were supposed to be...

Too much happened, I can't process everything. 

This is not my regular life, my theories do not comply. 

Now I don't know what to do. At least until I leave of course, after that it'll all be fine. 

I'll not be here, they can go back to the way things were.

I have to keep going since this is the only thing I've mastered in these years.

I know this won't fail me up. I know I can figure things out in this amount of time. 

Further than that is just useless. 

People are too complicated, and when you don't consider yourself as one of them, 

it becomes too hard, almost unbearable. 

Yes frustration will come, you'd better hope it'll not stay. 

Since I am out of clues, I'll stop it here while I've got something to say. 

I don't know up to when I'll keep doing this. 

This will not save me, though it already have. 

This is the only thing that helps when another glass does not. 

This is the only thing I know, no one can blame me for.

-x-