Reality

Would you play me like everybody else?
Don't make me special
Don't hold me in your heart
Can you not see I am not here?
Notice how you cannot feel my heart.
The pain shut it down for a while,
A desperate attempt to save myself.
Though hope ran away...
Always so childish...
All you see now is what's left.
The scars hidden in my eyes,
For they may never see what love is.
For they may close without finding out.
Different, are we, really?
Pain rests in all our hearts,
Still, we cannot figure it out.
We have failed in playing
Without ever learning what it is
They call living.
I don't want to play like everybody else.
-x-

Me

I have learned how to enjoy danger
As if it is a part of me, there is no fear
There is just a single feeling
A feeling some do not enjoy in a lifetime
A feeling of complete and absolut
Peace.
Danger can be addictive
But I still feel like the same me
I am just no longer
Afraid of living a little bit.
-x-

Over

Thinking.
Now it's the time
To throw it all out
To pour some whisky
Not a sip, drink it up.
Now it's the time
To look at the courage
I did not have the heart to own.
Embrace it.
Power.
Move on, shall we?
Yes we shall.
This is the time,
My tears have to stop
No weakness
Just my heart.
This is what I want
Enough of hurting
I may second guess
I won't regret.
Thinking.
Once again,
Not like before
I am not the same
You've met, hang on.
The malt in my veins
Shall not be in vain.
How does it feel to be strong?
I can see no better time to know.
I'll figure it out
With or without you
The time is now.
Worrying is a need
It has got me this far.
Fearing is a sin,
I don't want anymore scars.
If this is what I have to do,
Let's bring it up.
I'll embrace my darkness
This is my better side.
Let the flames blow up
For this future unknown.
These ashes will wash away,
That's the rest of you in me
Circling the drain.
I could scream it out loud
But my soul just wants to blow it
Off and away
So it begins.
-x-

Corrrect?

Never have I ever been so wrong
So many times in a row
So much in a single year
Though maybe it has been a good thing.
A collection of mistakes,
If one is brave and smart,
Can become an opportunity
To make things right.
The only thing now is finding out
Whether bravery and intelligence
Will once again get along with me.
All I need is a single sign,
Something to prove to me
Trying is still worth it
Feeling is still a priviledge
Living is still different.
I know my forever blury eyesight
May fail to understand what lies ahead
And my long to be recovered heart
May ignore and avoid more than ever before.
I just want to keep going
Step by step
A little bit longer.
Nothing will ever change
If I am not ready to make a couple more of them.
Mistakes.
-x-

Break

Sometimes your heart must stop you
From harming it once more
From leaving it destroyed
Though you may think it is ok
Your mind can only tolerate so much more pain.
For now it feels better to stop
Stop looking for something that never comes
Stop looking for different people
When they are all as hurt as you
It is not easy to give up
However, at least for now, it is the right thing to do.
I fear missing something out
I fear not taking an opportunity
But all the courage I had deep down
Has been taken, no questions asked
No excuses on the way.
If only we could see how much the future hurts
Predict and act before everything gets worse...
I know this is not how love works
I know so much about the "nots"
Perhaps someday I will know about the truth.
No, hope respawns more quickly than I thought,
It is resilient, inconsistent, sttuborn
It makes you feel as if you could...
Sadly, my knees are hurt
My legs are shaken
My eyes are lost.
I'll take a deep breath and fall asleep again
For the mornings require more energy
Than I seem to be able to save
For the nights are full of thoughts
And the thoughts full of pain.
If only we could know beforehand.
-x-

Rebooting

At some point I have to believe I am lucky enough,
To have all of them around me, willing to stay,
Willing to mean something.
I was never the kind of person that neglected others.
I may sometimes push them away, in a need to be alone,
Though I am well aware I never am, never was, never will be.
They help me get by, they understand me somehow.
This is why my skin shows what I value the most,
I would have never made it through without it.
I am glad things seem to be working out,
In an always confusing and twisted way.
Who cares?
I do. More than I wish I would. More than I wish they would.
Living is such a complex task,
After all these years of trying,
I am still learning like a child.
Maybe someday I will feel complete,
Not by a single person as many like to believe,
But by all these great souls I have managed to keep around me.
They bring me joy, they show me there is always more.
More than you can see,
More than you think you know,
More than you will ever be able to believe.
And for that I must keep going,
For that I must never let my intelligence leave me.
Feeling, living, breathing.
Thinking.
Perhaps I do must reboot.
-x-

Cruising

I feel as if waiting for time to move
Soon it will, so fast I don't want to miss a thing
I know there will be novelty and excitement
I know in a couple of days all this
Will be just a simple memory
Lying comfortably in the depths of my soul
Solid and cold inside my crumbled heart
For this is the only way I can do things
This does not hurt, this I can achieve
I won't fool myself, I won't neglect
I will understand, accept
Every little piece is supposed to count
Somehow
And if I can make good use of it
Perhaps someday
This puzzle will be complete.
-x-

Goodbye

I don't know if I should apoligise.
But I feel the need to at least justify.
I am leaving you. This idea of you behind.
I know you left it way before me,
But I had some hope and used it.
Now all I have left is reality.
For the reality is you want to belong to her.
Well, there is nothing else I can do.
It feels sad for my hope and plans,
Though I am sure even they understand.
Moving on is never easy. Not is it to see you with her.
This is it for now. This is the best I can do.
All I know is I will miss you.
Our chats.
Our hugs.
Our laughs.
Even these tears.
I will miss the idea of you.
Maybe it won't be so hard to understand.
-x-

Back to black

No shame in crying.
No shame in living.
No shame in feeling.
The thing is I need to take control,
For this is my life,
My ride, my pride.
I'll get back on my feet,
I'll get back on moving.
Moving on.
For if you are not the one,
Someone else will,
This world is full of possibilities,
Full of people just like me,
Full of people who want to try,
Full of people who know how to live.
Not survive.
It was my choice and I will live to it,
It is on my skin and I will never let it go.
There is so much to see,
So much fun out there,
Why should I ever settle for less?
Now I am back.
Back in control,
Back in the game.
If this is the way it is supposed to be,
I might as well make the best out of it.
Let's see what is coming to me,
No shame, no regrets.
I just wanna live.
-x-

Edge

It feels so close, my feet have found it
My eyes and my heart are approaching
Soon I won't be able to take it
Not like this. No more.
Only now do I understand what they go through.
Only now do I know how hard it is to let go.
It's not him. It's me. It's for me.
Everytime I put that rule aside,
Things get out of control,
My heart gets out of control.
Superego does have a reason to be
afteral.]
It sucks knowing I'll have to leave
if I want to find anything new.
Though, at least, I have good people around me,
I have this weird luck that keeps puting me back on track]
I have them and I have HIM.
I can't do it with someone as hurt as me.
-x-

Desert

Will I ever get used to it?
This feeling after every single time...
When I think you are ready for it,
When I think I've managed to crack your signs,
You disappear...
Guess I've got my very own mirage.
From up close you are all I want,
All I like to think I need.
Though as my eyes blink it all goes away
Now you are something else
Something I am not sure helps me.
I hate doubting myself,
For doubt reproduces at a pace my poor
self-esteem cannot handle,
Cannot win.
Will I ever win?
-x-

Chance

This too shall pass
For nothing will remain
When I close my eyes
And cannot see your face.

My mind is restless
I can't stop these thoughts
I can't avoid these feelings
The time has come
Maybe I can survive it.

My heart is pounding
Fear, excitement
All at once
Nothing at all.

My eyes have dried out
I am not desperate
I have made up my mind
I might as well fall
"Love is blindness".

My soul wants to try
Courage wants to play,
after all this time
There's nowhere to run
For time and only time,
Will show if I should give up.
-x-

Dream on

And when doubt knocks on my door,
Insecurity is more than happy to let it in,
My heart cries like a spoiled child,
The noise they make won't let it sleep.
Is it the way this is supposed to be?
Controlling them was never easy,
Releasing them will be too dangerous
To risk.
Maybe sleeping on it will make it fade,
This dream they call reality has an expiration date,
I was never used to dreming anyway,
Closed eyes, but no kiss.
Tomorrow I won't miss you.
And when it comes you will never understand why,
Because I will never tell you,
Because you will never ask,
This is the end I forecast.
I feel no fear for the first time,
Whislt it seems to like you as a mate,
It is a silly little thing when you see it,
When you really see it.
I don't know if it is my task to show you how,
I don't know if you are supposed to show me
Anything at all,
My weakness is only one for the time being,
Believing there is even the slightest sign
Of reason.
-x-

Calm?

After the worst has passed,
What is left for us to do?
I like the way things are,
But routines were never my thing.
I am not sure he knows how this will end.
I am not sure he thinks there is something to end.
As for me...somehow this has survived way longer than planned.
And boy do I tend to plan things...
It is all new. Which means there's only learning.
No winning. No losing.
I can already smell the storm, though not for him.
I am glad at least these parts of my life are not merged.
I will need discipline. I will need some greed.
That should be fun to watch.
May it be as fun to play.
-x-

Playing

Why do stuff like that?
If you are not willing to give 100% why bother trying?
Fear has never helped anyone.
I can't do it like this.
Whislt I'm willing to try,
you are afraid to lose.
As if you were the only one with a past. The only one who's ever been hurt or destroyed.
I am afraid you aren't.
Never will you be.
People.
I wanted to believe we were all here to learn about love.
I wanted to believe I was equally able to do so.
History shows otherwise.
My heart knows otherwise.
My mind feels otherwise.
Guess I'll have to settle with the bare minimun.
And settle with the things I have been able to understand.
People.
I feel so tired, so weak, so silly.
I hate making a fool of myself.
Weird for someone who loves jokes... Fuck it.
Nothing you cannot handle.
Nothing you cannot surpass.
Nothing you cannot learn from.
Nothing you cannot forget.
Nothing. No one.
I must keep on living for this is the reason I did not give up in the past.
Let's see if I can ever feel surprised at last...
-x-

DIRM

It came to me
It feels so right
Does it really matter?
Does it really matter?
Most of the time it does not
Most of the time I would not...
Dare. Feel. Care,
Fall...
It's me, them...can I?
He makes me feel like so.
He makes me feel as if I could try.
One love...
Love...
So unknown, so different.
Could I do that at last?
Could I settle and enjoy things for a change?
I believe I am ready to do this now...
Though the answers never come that easily to me,
Though letting myself go is new
New things have never hurt me that much anyway...
What else could I ask for?
Lucy has showed me the way,
Maybe I should follow it...
After all, I am the only one who's got the power...
The fucking power to hurt my own self,
The power to feel...
The power to let things be.
He cannot do that for me.
I, and solely, I.
Does it really matter?
May I have the wisdom, the power, the courage,
To find out.
-x-

Game on

Most of the times nothing's ever right

Sometimes things will feel just fine

In a while all you feel will vanish

A few seconds and we are nothing

It takes time. It always does.

And no one has ever understood why.

I can barely attempt to.

This feels nice, I cannot complain.

I've got the d. I've got the w. I've got the pain.

What to do next? Conquer, not divide.

What to do now? Clear up my fucking mind.

Putting my thoughts up in place,

Running, though keeping up my little pace.

Now boys…it is time to play.

I cannot help but to,

I will be the only one to blame.

The odds will not be on my favour…

As if it ever was…

I'll keep playing my game, 

I'll keep trying to learn.

Sometimes winning is the fairest way

To lose.