Gone?

This is it once again. I should be used to this.
I should be used to the pain.
But it is what it is, and since so much has changed,
I can say I got lucky...
It could have been much worse...
I can't seem to know or understand what lies ahead.
It's a new game, new people, new threats.
I don't feel scared, at least right now.
I am kind of relieved to leave.
Too many farewells, too many goodbyes.
Of course I may never come back.
Free to vanish, still being alive.
Well, I know it won't solve anything.
Everywhere I go there will be people, pain, prejudice.
And there is nothing I can do besides live my life.
Follow the steps they want and expect,
One at a time.
Then, run away a couple of times to find more reasons to smile.
-x-
Written on 30-09-2011

Almost there

It's getting closer and closer.
I can't even think of it anymore.
If I get too anxious things will not work out well.
As the distance shortens I feel like I can not leave things the way they are.
So much I still don't understand.
So much I don't think I ever will.
It's almost time.
I am going to start it all over, once again.
I doubt it will be easy, I know I've still got it. I must.
Somehow I feel like growing up for real.
This will be different. This will be fun.
No idea how to make sure I don't end up with the same mistakes.
I just want to go.
I just want to fade away.
-x-
Written on 12-09-2011

Survive

Time to start it all over...
And I don't even know where from.
There's this one little voice in the back of my head,
Saying this is way too much.
And, of course, too much for myself...
Sometimes I think it would be better for all this to end like we did.
Just keep the good memories so we can laugh at them whenever we meet.
Nothing else. This is so much easier.
I don't feel like I am capable of going any further here...
This is not the best way to carry out a life.
This is the only way I learned how to live.
I have put myself aside for so long,
It now seems impossible to go back in.
I don't think I will ever ace this task.
I don't think I will ever be able to live, the way you do.
-x-
Written on 13-07-2011

Him

Sometimes I find myself remembering all those things,
Remembering them, remembering us.
It was all so new,
It was all so cool.
Right now it is so distant and so silly.
Who would have thought...
You beyond everything, why you right?
It would had been just another year, though that changed it,
That changed me.
I don't know why after that, nothing seems as good...
I don't feel like finding anything like that again.
Of course it is due to fear, mainly because we both know how it ended up...
And of course my main quality is by far not courage...
What just sucks is that I now don't have the guts...
Maybe someday I'll feel like it's gone,
But as life keeps going I just can't help but to look back.
Back to the time when it didn't look so bad.
-x-
Written on 12-06-2011