Aim for it...

This is the first day of the rest of my life.
I can not help but to feel scared,
No it is not a bad thing at all,
It shows me somehow down deep I care about my life,
This is a very good way to go.
Of course there are things that don't feel right,
And yes, there is way too much I still don't get,
I like to believe this is the way it is supposed to be,
I like to believe I'll get it eventually.
Though lately my thoughts have betrayed me,
Wondering if it would not be better to stay,
I have to keep going the way I figured,
Otherwise I'll get lost and lazy,
Too scared and freightened to do anything at all.
I want to be good at it,
Whatever it is that awaits me,
I've got to nail it,
This is not a dream anymore,
This is a goal, an objective.
-x-

Run.

What happens when the end meets yourself?
I mean, the end of a phase, not of everything
This feels too hard and I don't think there is enough time
Looking back, there are so many things I whish I had done,
I wish I had not...
Though it is really too late for such thoughts.
Life managed to bring us all together,
And somehow it will bring us apart.
The things future holds, are so unknown,
So freightening...
I can speak for myself, I always do so.
I have no idea what to do next.
Wish I could finaly do everything I have ever wanted,
Wish I could give up on the unecessary and just breath.
But life is way too smart,
No success comes if you don't give up on some.
And once again my sacrifices will have to prove themselves worth it.
I can say I got lucky the first time,
And as another shift aproaches, there's fear, I can not lie.
Hope serves those not good enough.
My hope is to keep living, not less, not more.
I need to find myself again,
I need to start running from everything.
A new oasis awaits.
-x-

Changing

Transform your failure in your reason to be

Change everything you are used to feel

Run for the new way as if you wouldn't live without it

Because deep down you know you're nothing without it.

We all need new things, we all seek for these

It may not seem like a good thing to do,

It may not seem like a good thing to feel

Though, that's the way we all are.

Sometimes I wish not to feel so attracted by it,

There are things in our lives we never want to go away...

We never even try to think of how different it would be,

All we want is "the same", is that feeling to not go away.

I am scared and deeply lost,

As these changes approach,

As I seem to feel bored...

Nothing else would make me happier.

I dont't want it all to go,

I don't want it not to show,

It took too long for me to enjoy it...

Now I can not give up on...

Everything I wanted was just to feel.

Well, at least if I can assure mself it is all real.

-x-

Here it comes...

I have been writing about it,
I have been thinking about it,
Though now, it is really happening.
Two weeks and it will all be gone.
Institutions are more important than we believe,
And our control over such, is nothing compared to the other way.
This is hard,
This was/is deeper than I thought,
Than I wanted it to be.
My choices never meant a lot anyway...
My life seems too far away,
Everything I knew,
Privacy, freedom, carelessness
It's all gone.
As fast as a little leaf by the wind,
As fragile as an ice cube by the sun,
It melt down and I did not predict it.
Now I am fckd up,
I have nowhere to run.
It was a great amount of time,
It was a good life.
Let me face the storm.
-x-

Thoughts

My mind seems to run faster than I can handle...
It hurts so much, more than I have ever felt...
Just missing you, makes me wanna regret.
Choices. Sucessful or not. They come. One can not avoid.
It hurts as hell. It bleeds as you would not be able to tell...
Though I know we are all way too different,
Though I know this is not the fckin end...
It makes me sad. Yes, there's no one to blame.
All I want, is to make it worth,
I do know, five or ten years from now I may not hear from you again...
Not the way we do right now.
Though it hurts. It is necessary,
I never expected to meet you,
Even though I say, I knew I would be friends with you,
It was never up to such "level"if I may add...
This is just another line,
just another verse...
My mind runs faster, my thoughts are too confused...
All I could wish for,
Is not to lose you all...
It happened way unexpected, but it did...
We are nothing usual...
Though we are ouselves, we are crazy and this is true for them...
Let everyone else think,
We just don't belong.
-x-

A text!

  Since I do not seem to be able to write about what I really need to, let us move on to a different thing here: a text!. I tend not to like these because...well...because I am a fckng lazy little girl, mainly. However, today, nothing else would allow me to express myself better, I don't feel quite misterious to write a poem (or the things I put here usually) neither do I feel like painting or playing my already-forgotten-guitar. And this simple, though not needed explanation, got me a couple of lines so I can really start to make a point here.
  I have no idea why, but my mood changed from "water to wine" as we say in Portuguese. Well, of course I thought a lot about it and why such thing happened. Sadly I managed to extract a couple of explanations from my mind. First and clearly, I did not study 1% of what I was supposed to. Second, when I did try to study, I realised I've got nothing! Then, I received my never-before-talked-about father in order to play his driver around the city. Mixing everything I ended up with some tears and voilá this text (I also got two paragraphs for my college final dissertation but let us not mention this here again...)!
 It is at least fun how I feel confortable writing about anything around here and when I need to write for the sake of my own so-called future, my hands freeze, my ideas vanish. What I feel lacks me the most when it comes to writing for my future's sake is passion. Yes, it's cheesy but it's true. After all the cracks and changes I had to make at my dissertation, after listening to so many people (who seemed quite happy just to ruin my work), I finally decided to follow a friend's advice and drop it. Somehow, when you don't quite love what you are doing, the things others say don't bother you that much. It for sure helps. It is not helping me at all.
 Today I was able to figure a simple thing out. I need the passion, I need to care. Otherwise, I can't do whatever I need to do. This bloddy thought has become my personal curse. I don't want to take any longer to finish my work, since this would mean putting my masters on stand-by. Though,at the same time, I don't want a lame and silly work. My solution is as simple as closing up my eyes, and just like that I am not yet able to achieve it. I must remember nothing lasts forever, nor shall this work. I must get it done and if necessary, forget about it and move on. While nothing changes I'll keep thinking and enjoying my little games.
-x-

End?

If there's one thing I know about myself,
is to hate any sort of farewell
I don't feel like things should come to an end just because one is away...
I do have a hard time to face that certain things do end
That there are people and places I'll never see again.
And laughs and moments that will never return.
It is difficult because it is unusual
And it is often sad because it is true
Sometimes I think there should be no end
We should just keep going the same way we begun
Of course there is no real end
But we do need to stop at some point and pick a new path
Maybe it is just myself that needs it
Since I would never be able to live in any other way
But maybe it isn't just me, I just can't see...
I feel afraid to face another shift
This will be completly new, indeed I know I need it
Or I wish I knew...
It feels hard and I am doing my best
To leave everything peaced out
Just in case...
Just because I don't know if I'll come back.
-x-

And then?

I sincerely avoid to think of it
What will happen when we do not meet everyday?
Do not spend hours and hours laughing, talking,living?
It's hard to imagine ourselves apart
At least after everything...
Somehow we trust each other
Somehow we do not care about everything else
If we are together, nothing matters
What matters is having fun
In our crazy and so called way
But having it whatsoever
This is our life
Our real life, one may say
And if we are the ones that build reality
If each reality is different
I can say for as little as I have lived
This one is by far unique
I myself would never be able to live it other than like this
-x-

Reasons

It has become predictable as hell
Though I can not avoid to tell
Most of the times I have no idea why
How come these words get out of my mind?
If only one answer could pop out
No worries and no hopes
No tears and no mistakes
I keep chasing a reason
I keep running to fall
So sad everything is coming to place
With or without me
Would not change anything at all
I know this is what I need
If different, guilt would show
It is just complicated to think
When there's nothing else to look for
Ten years from now, I really don't know
I feel alive just for being alive
It was my choice
Why so? No clue
My reasons are not clear yet
Well, I don't think they`ll ever be.
-x-

Life

There are times I think it could never go wrong
But when it happens you all get to get it
I'll be alone as or more as I begun
It's scary, scary as hell
When I think it was my choice, well, what could I do?
I can not blame you, I can not run away
That's just us and it hurts more than I can say
You have no idea, I never thought you would
But I do feel everything, and my heart is dying with it
Dying in a different way, because dead it already was
Well I don't think it will ever live again,
but you all made it a little bit closer to life
however, the line is too tiny
however, I can not hide
It sucks doind these things
I get confused and lost
Because my lack of life was never supposed to be like this
I can not blame you, I would never be able to
I can blame myself and my choices
The tears fall, drop down
This is me again, thinking of you
Wishing I did not love you all.
-x-

Let it rain

How I wish I could know what happens next.
Life`s not even close to these tv shows...
One never knows,
One never cares.
Yeah, that`s not good and it may not be fair.
But when you`ve seen what I did, you`ll think twice before you dare.
Sorry for the confusion and the lack of sense.
It happens a lot when I don`t know where to stand.
Truth is it all seems so calm I can not help but to expect for a storm.
Maybe I`ll swim out of it, maybe I`ll get lost and sink.
Nothing to worry right now since it has fallen apart once, yet we all survived.
It is for sure easier when you already know.
Well, if we knew it all before, we would probably end up killed by an endless storm.
-x-
Written on Aug. 6th

That's you

Why? It shouldn't feel so weird.
I thought after everything things would change between us.
This is myself not getting it right again.
Why can't I figure you out?
It is not hard for me
Oh please, don`t act surprised.
My point is,
When I seem to get closer, you just run to confuse.
Kind like what I love to do.
Not the same because you don`t go that far.
Not the same because I don`t go that far.
C`mon! That`s not being fun anymore.
They taught me sometimes it doesn`t hurt to trust.
Yeah, I know I shouldn`t do that.
I know you don`t cuz you have been as lost as me.
Just relax.
What I most learned from them,
Is that friendships come and go like these thoughts in your head.
I am happy at least this time, because that`s right.
Somethings you`ll always chase,
Others you already know where to find.
-x-
Written on Aug, 4th.

Ways

Suddenly I don't feel so lost anymore...
I know it's weird and I gave up on trying to understand.
But even now, when I seem to have found my way,
Telling the truth, talking to them,
It feels harder than it should.
This is the thing I don't seem to get...
Of course this is the first time I am living this sort of situation...
I have studied lots of things but this does not match...
I am confused and afraid to make any mistake at all.
I could blame it on her, my first shot, my single regret.
Here I'll add a new wish to my recurrent one:
If mistakes are not to be valued the most,
I do wish I could just close up my eyes
And let them find their way out.

-x-
Written on Aug. 2nd.

Nothing

There's nothing I can do
There's nothing I can say
Afterall, I know too little about them
But it hurts me
And I don't even know why
I was not supposed to care
I was not supposed to feel
This is way too much
This is nothing I know
I feel sad
I feel angry
I should not
I can not
This is no good for me
I have no idea how I got myself into this
It hurts
It hurts
Crying does not help
Thinking will not solve
This is no problem of mine
I am too tired to try
Here I give up
Wish I can not feel it
I do not like this
Will you hang on the fucking risk?
-x-

My rules?

I feel so weird right now.
A lot has happened since I returned,
But I don't seem to understand or absorve...
I still feel like it is just bad timing
If I had arrived a few days after
I would have missed it all
Or who knows?
It may had never happened.
Another count for my wishes
Another victory for reality
I feel bad and weak
No I can't let them know
I can never let it show
Nobody likes the ones who can't stand bad stuff
They don't come back to losers
Feeling is not easy
Sometimes I wish I was like before
But now I got used to it
To share and care
To seek for help
To seek for healing
I should never, I know
It breaks all the rules
The ones I made up alone
You will never need anyone
Or you'll do your best not to
Guess I have to remember it
Guess I'll have to grow back,
As cold as
-x-

Not to know

No idea why I do these things
Neither why I feel the way I do
Sometimes it is just so complicated...
I need to decide, I need to make choices
Right now I don't feel like I am able to.
My old wish that I could just postpone it all
Will never become real
Life's so bloddy repetitive it hurts.
Once again and nothing like before
It is different now
I want to give up once more.
I can not, I never could
Don't know how I kept this going.
Sometimes this thought
Comes back so strong and quickly
I amaze myself,
I stop to think.
It is rare,
As rare as feeling at all
But I can not avoid
It pushes me trhough the edge
It tells me I have to fall.
I am lost, and this is old news
I am hurt, as much or more as you.
This can't go on
I can't go on
Time to stop and run like before
Wish I didn't love you all
Wish I felt like before.
-x-

To know...

Stop pretending you don't care about people,

When deep down we all know that is a lie

If you are used to run away as much as I am

You know for sure they will manage to keep up

No matter how fast you go

They chase you down

Down to your soul

I did try for so long

Not used to failures, maybe this is one

I don't understand why,

I can't remeber when

I didn't do so for nothing

I do nothing for no reason

If that was a mistake

If trying to care is not for me

Guess I got too good doing what I should not

Forgetin' sometimes things don't go as you thought

Can't control, neither figure out

It hurts like hell

Wish I did not know how to fly.

-x-

Away

Is giving up really the easier path?
Done it before and never felt like that.
I always thought it would make everything look so simple
New places, new people, nothing's new
-The past does not repeat itself
This is what I keep trying to tell myself
Not something I believe
Indeed something I'd rather I did
There is no past, there is no future, just time there is
So long, so lost, so wrong
It is all over me, the things I left
It just occurred to me,
Perhaps giving up is not for everyone
As weird as it may sound
We are all taught to fight
No matter the age, place or sex
When you trhow it all away
When you don't care
You're seen as the crazy one
Another coward,
-Shall we run?
-x-

Just that

I've felt that so many times before,
but right now I am so lost I can't even avoid.
They all seem to know it so well,
when I would rather not to tell.
Truth is I have no idea where to go from here.
Of course I could stay,
though my fears would not dissapear...
I would feel like I have to share,
like I have to tell them everything I do not dare.
No idea why I feel like this.
The only time I can let it all be,
is when I just can not remeber it.
Yeah you know for sure what I mean.
I have made myself this cold and afraid,
because no one likes to be hurt again and again.
People are just this complicated.
And it seems I am faded to live along with them.
My intelligence is just another cover,
just another layer...
Wish I could live without it all,
wish I was not afraid to fall.
Not afraid to feel,
not afraid of what is real.
Well, I am.
I am that weak,
I am that desperate,
I am that lost.
I don't really care of what you thought...
Thing is, when you never know the difference between dreaming and living,
you get used to choose the later.
I got used to give up on dreaming.
Never had one of those,
and will never know how it feels.
This is the thing killing me.
What hurts is, not talking about it.
Nobody would ever get close to understand.
I'd rather keep on trying to live,
knowing sooner or later it will end.
-x-

She²

I have no idea how to explain what happens
She's so much like me and indeed so different
As life keeps moving on I just can't avoid thinking of it
Sometimes I think that in the end we are all the same
While most of the times I think it is just a huge coincidence
We are all here, we're all together
Though it will not always be like this
This is the only thing I hate to know beforehand
It may not for them but it will for myself
Yes it hurts when I stop to think,
and looking at her while she cries in front of me doesn't really help
She is the one with a million faces
Maybe she is not only one at all
It is up to you to think and decide
While I keep trying to change the subject
Hide.
My thoughts so cold and hurt
I get scared of hurting them as well
I get afraid of meaning anything at all
Afraid of the goodbyes I insist to think necessary
Just another excuse to run from the truth
I am not like her, I am not like you
And when you know you don't belong
You just want to be gone
I'm just not sure I can do it this time
Maybe I should show myself up and try...
-x-

Dream on...

Because sometimes dreams just don't come true.

It has been on my mind since I heard it again a couple of days ago.

It is nothing I had never thought before.

Eventhough listening to something so sincere made me crack,

At the same time I was able to understand what all of us seek from deep inside.

These little things that will never happen,

The single desire to unlock something unexpected.

When you have already been to the other side of this coin,

You just make something up,

You just make it strong.

Of course I am no expert to talk about them.

I am used to think I have given up on it a long time ago.

Yes, it does make you feel quite shalow during the complicated days

But the truth is, most of the people out there need nothing but a game.

It has made me so happy back a few years,

It has mad me love, sing - breath in...

When they were gone I was left with silence and hate - breath out...

Too cold to love, too hurt to care- close your eyes...

You do remember now - do you dare?

-x-

Surprise?

Here comes that need again.
Along with it comes a strange and unexpected sadness.
I can not find a starting point for it,
Because deep down I know it is not like it has ever ended.
This time though, I can't seem to understand why all these things happened.
Maybe I should not had been gone for so long,
I do know I needed that.
Right now all I wanted was for things to go back the way they were,
That can't happen.
It is scaring me.
Too many new things from people I knew before...
Maybe it is just to show me others are capable of hiding the same way I am.
Well, I was the one who used to love findings and surprises.
-x-

Learning?

This is how life is supposed to be right?

I don't know...

At least this time I wish it was a matter of being wrong or right

Dualities never liked me,

Guess it's because I always tend to the downside.

I feel sorry right now,

Sorry for the things I did not do

It's, I shall add, rare for me to feel like that,

When you just don't care about what others may think

What you think of yourself becomes unbearably important

And right now I am not sure I can handle everything anymore.

Maybe this has something to do with them,

Eventhough I doubt cuz, pff, they are everything I have close to me right now.

Maybe, and in this I trust, it is because of me.

I am approaching a point at which I can not run away anymore

I will have to put myself in risk,

I will have to trust.

Nothing harder for me,

Nothing worse if you are wrong

Everthing I wish I could feel

Everything I wish could just disappear.

-x-

Welcome back...

Well it feels so boring right now...

I don't know what to think and sincerely I don't want to

Too many things to solve when all I wanted was to keep having fun

I know it is how its supposed to be

I know I thought about it a lot and I myself made these decisions

It's just that sometimes I wish I wasn't so sure about everyhting

It would by far be better if I could just have the courage

This little quality lacks me so much

And I do wish I had it along with me

I don't want to make anyone bored or sad

It is not like I don't like it here

God I know this is the only thing that kept me breathing

It is like there is another universe out there

That will keep on going without me

I was kicked out

or better

I decided to leave

Maybe in a moment at wich I should have just stayed...

I can't believe I can change so much in this small amount of time

She was there when I beged to return

I just find it hard to understand that right now I can not run anymore,

This time I have to stay and complete this,

Whichever this is supposed to be

This is me and my hope, like peace for some, reality for me

When one can not run

One should learn all over,

How to live.

-x-

Beliefs

What do you believe in?

Just difficult to answer this little question is.

Eventually I find it easier to answer to the opposite

What do you not believe in?

But as it may seem the same thing,

changing the question gives me the opportunity

to avoid thinking about a lot of confusing things.

When I try to think of the first one,

when I hope I have found enough answers for myself,

somebody asks it again and then it all falls apart.

It is messy and complicated.

I do feel like these things should not be demanded to someone,

we just find it easier to ask than to think by our own.

If you just demand, there is no point in talking about it.

Two monologues are not the same as a dialogue.

If you never think and just demand,

do get ready to do some good listening.

If what you hear does not make you upset or confused,

do remember that believing in everything

is not actually different from believing in nothing.

-x-

Presque

Now it is about to end.

I don't know yet how I am supposed to feel,

I have requested it, I have thought so much of it.

Right now I can not avoid feeling kinda sad.

It is funny how this all happened,

how this changed me somehow.

She was definitely right, I did change.

It's just that I don't feel like I changed a lot...

Maybe as I started accepting somethings,

as I stoped worrying so much,

time just proved me right.

It is different.

Now I head to the places I know the most,

feeling like nothing remained the same.

A twist of roles...

And so is my fate.

-x-

Wondering

"My heart wants to fly, my mind wants to try"
What to do then? I am used to follow my mind and nothing else.
Not for the reasons one might think.
Mostly because my heart seems really tired of all this.
My mind is capable of forgeting,
my silly heart never...
I don't really think it is a bad thing to run away
And now that my life is empty of imediate obligations
I don't see remaining here as something bad
I have never done something that crazy for my mind
In the end, and deep inside, I know I have to go
Maybe I'll come back...
Just to not upset my mind
And show new life to my heart.

-x-

Saudade

The only feeling I can express in no other language.
The single thing that makes me want to return.
Explaining is not easy at all,
one can say "it's homesick", but I only know it brings me down.

People are just fun, just strange sometimes.
I wonder if I am the only one who's wrong, seeing things no one does.
Sometimes I wonder if there is no wrong,
if it is enough just to be, just to breath.

This lack of sense.
Too much on my mind.
My heart wants to fly,
My mind wants to try.

-x-

Stay

They make me think I've done so much.
They make me believe I really should trust.
But I can do nothing but repeating the same li(n)es.
Telling a story I don't know where to hide.
At least I can say they know all my flawns.
I can even bet they know things I myself don't.
If it is all about friendship as some might say,
then I hope it is all about it someday.
Hidding is no fun when no one is trying to find you.
Pretending is no good if you are the only one confused.
This awkward sadness takes my strengh away.
Wish I could find it.
Wish I could make it stay.

-x-

Needs

Need to write
pms I guess
just missing everything
my chest

Pain is not to bear
to learn it is
love is not to hurt
to teach - maybe how to bear ,it is

Need to party
because of boys for sure
missing security
my trust

Distance is not to let one down
to give time and space it is
knowledge is not to put one aside
to help one through the distance it is

Let it go I will
no need for worries, time is about to come
hate not to know
hate not to predict
hardest challenge ever
coming down on my knees

-x-