My rules?

I feel so weird right now.
A lot has happened since I returned,
But I don't seem to understand or absorve...
I still feel like it is just bad timing
If I had arrived a few days after
I would have missed it all
Or who knows?
It may had never happened.
Another count for my wishes
Another victory for reality
I feel bad and weak
No I can't let them know
I can never let it show
Nobody likes the ones who can't stand bad stuff
They don't come back to losers
Feeling is not easy
Sometimes I wish I was like before
But now I got used to it
To share and care
To seek for help
To seek for healing
I should never, I know
It breaks all the rules
The ones I made up alone
You will never need anyone
Or you'll do your best not to
Guess I have to remember it
Guess I'll have to grow back,
As cold as
-x-

Not to know

No idea why I do these things
Neither why I feel the way I do
Sometimes it is just so complicated...
I need to decide, I need to make choices
Right now I don't feel like I am able to.
My old wish that I could just postpone it all
Will never become real
Life's so bloddy repetitive it hurts.
Once again and nothing like before
It is different now
I want to give up once more.
I can not, I never could
Don't know how I kept this going.
Sometimes this thought
Comes back so strong and quickly
I amaze myself,
I stop to think.
It is rare,
As rare as feeling at all
But I can not avoid
It pushes me trhough the edge
It tells me I have to fall.
I am lost, and this is old news
I am hurt, as much or more as you.
This can't go on
I can't go on
Time to stop and run like before
Wish I didn't love you all
Wish I felt like before.
-x-