Naive

Guess this is the way things are supposed to carry on.
I lost two days plus my temper, and for what?
That's when all the hate begun to flow, I should not, must not.
It is no use to think I can just start doing things differently right now.
This will just get me hurt and I do not have a great amount of time to lose.
Nothing and no one rather than myself will matter most.
It was always like this and it will until the day I get to rest.
I shall never forget about this.
This allows me to live among them.
This allows me to succeed among them.
I am still angry for letting it all fall through.
I am still angry for doing it to myself.
"But you're so naive, you're so"
-x-
Written on 31/05/11

Not right

I hate myself more than anything.
I hate myself for caring.
I hate myself more than anything.
I hate myself for daring.
No idea why I still do this when all the world seems careless.
No bloody idea why I still do this when I feel like you don't even exist...
This is me loosing this fucking game all over.
This is me not being able to understand why...
It would have been so much easier to just give up.
I wouldn't have to care nor think about it all.
This just hurts and no one will ever get it.
I thought you would. I thought you could be mature.
I thought I could just play along.
Though my tears are falling.
Though my heart is crying.
Though... I was just wrong.
-x-
Written on 28/05/11

Her v.2

How I wish you could see things the way I do.

How I wish you could value all these moments,

and understand that we can give to any of these as much importance as we want.

I thought you knew it and you appreciated it just like me.

But how naive of myself!

Guess I wanted it so much, I created my reality.

It hurts and this shouldn't be the time for such.

All I wanted as a huge list of good memories.

There are just five months for God's sake...

You just don't seem to get it.

I am now fighting my hate...

Why make this so complicated?

I want to control myself and take this shit away from my mind.

What hurts is feeling like she is the only one I can talk to about it all.

-x-

Written on 26/03/11

Interests

Shit! Why do people have to be like this?
Nobody is good at faking their own interests.
Still, it seems like a consensus among those considered great at negotiations,
That this is the best way to get people to do what you want...
I just can't handle it, it is so damn clear to me what everyone seems to have in mind,
I see no sense in running in circles expecting to have my interests complied.
It is just too hard to make people understand all this.
I don't enjoy playing this game, though if I have to, I will and I will win.
Because I am fully aware of what I am capable of.
I can see through you clearly.
But you will never understand me.
-x-
Written on 24/03/11

Not to care

This feels so right, and in these times I almost believe in her.
Believe nothing has changed, we are all still the same.
I know this does not work for too long, I am just glad we still have these moments.
The times we can just laugh around and be silly the way we want.
This is going to be so hard...
And I am doing my best not to let all these moments become my single goodbye.
I guess I can still try to live and train my mind to ignore all that's about to come.
Wish I had a clear idea of that, wish I could know it for sure.
Though I have to admit, my greatest fun is now hunting me.
For someone who loves surprises so much, it is weird to fear.
For someone who has done this before, I feel rather afraid.
It for sure is easier when one cares not.
-x-
Written on 13/03/11

Writing

Writing. Right now it seems like the only thing I can do.
The single way out.
Yes, I wanted this. I asked for this. And I need to handle this.
Only by doing that I'll get closer to understanding my life.
What I hate to admit, what I hate just to think, is that I am not the same person anymore.
Even though I can try to leave all this behind and go back to the way I begun,
I could never have more doubts...
My choices now seem to consider much more than they used to, and I have no idea why.
It seems tough, and most of the time it sucks.
I can't control everything any longer, I can't control what I feel.
Yeah, that's right, I can feel.
This single thing does mean a lot.
This little thing confuses my thoughts.
I am starting to doubt myself, in the single moment it is better not...
I must continue to live...
God knows how much can happen in one year.
I know how much it will hurt to leave.
-x-
Written on 1/03/11

Alove v.4

This is me thinking it is time to move on
I did think everything would remain the same, here I am hurt and naive...
I am breaking my most valuable rule just because I believed in something
Well, this silly self forgot that no matter what or when, people are all the fucking same
I hate it right now for fooling myself and not following what my experience has proven to be true.
Right now I feel like going back to my blood(y)-home close to people like me
It sucks and I don't even know how to describe it, I am not like them, no matter how hard I try.
I was naive like a seven-years-old, I must pretend to handle the consequences...
Here I am not accepting what I know to be true for me...
And this single thing will never change, no matter how hard I try to believe in everyone else around me.
One can not run from what's deep down its soul...
And I will never change, I'll remain alone
-x-
Written on 5/1/11