You just can not help it. It's the pleasure, it's the fun and everything adrenaline and anxiety can get you involved at. Every new problem is just another challenge, just something else you have to surpass, you have to beat. Since little kids we are trained for that. The faster ones are the most successful and if you can not solve you can not pass. Not to the next level of this path they have arranged for us. Those who do not adapt can not win, not in this world, maybe at some other one. After some time you learn, or even better, you learn how to cheat. Because it is not possible for a human being to always be like this, we can not handle one hundred per cent of pressure and we do not enjoy it as much as they want us to. It has become a good one of mine, "the winners will not want to change the rules unless it means they will not be winners anymore". It is hard to describe but all of us, we at some point of this fucking lie called life, become addicted to it. To the idea of success, recognition, importance. It is just another way to become different when we all seem so alike. But you can not be that different, you gotta be different only in their ways, you can not out stand that much. People gotta be able to believe they will at some point of their own lies, wops, lives be able to be like you.
I call it addiction because it is what it is. You always want more of it, a great challenge, the concerns, the pain and after all that, we expect the glory, that perfect feeling that it was all correct. We seek for it and mostly we need it to keep moving, this lame idea of progress takes the best away of each one of us. One can not be heard, can not be taken seriously unless it has become as addicted as all of us. What gets you out of bed every day? yeah that's just it, this need, this sickness. We need to go out there, to try, to fail if we must. We enjoy it and we learn to call it fun, we learn to call it life. I can't believe that's how life's supposed to be. I hate being a part of this lame game as much as I believe you do. But it's hard to change the rules when you are so close to win.
So this is what I think. We are all so addicted to this little game that goes on between us up here, we love the challenges and the complications only because we at some point hope to get them substituted for something else, something that will make our lives meaningful or, something that will make the others believe our lives are like that, and then ...well...I do not believe I should explain that to you and I am really doing this because of this fucking addiction but...and then they will tell our stories the way it was never supposed to be told, hiding the mistakes and failures, hiding all the bad shit we did. Success if you can achieve it, will become your single definition and then it will become you.
Games are not life and we can not play with ourselves. It is just hard for a patient to get healed without help.
-x-
