Gone?

This is it once again. I should be used to this.
I should be used to the pain.
But it is what it is, and since so much has changed,
I can say I got lucky...
It could have been much worse...
I can't seem to know or understand what lies ahead.
It's a new game, new people, new threats.
I don't feel scared, at least right now.
I am kind of relieved to leave.
Too many farewells, too many goodbyes.
Of course I may never come back.
Free to vanish, still being alive.
Well, I know it won't solve anything.
Everywhere I go there will be people, pain, prejudice.
And there is nothing I can do besides live my life.
Follow the steps they want and expect,
One at a time.
Then, run away a couple of times to find more reasons to smile.
-x-
Written on 30-09-2011

Almost there

It's getting closer and closer.
I can't even think of it anymore.
If I get too anxious things will not work out well.
As the distance shortens I feel like I can not leave things the way they are.
So much I still don't understand.
So much I don't think I ever will.
It's almost time.
I am going to start it all over, once again.
I doubt it will be easy, I know I've still got it. I must.
Somehow I feel like growing up for real.
This will be different. This will be fun.
No idea how to make sure I don't end up with the same mistakes.
I just want to go.
I just want to fade away.
-x-
Written on 12-09-2011

Survive

Time to start it all over...
And I don't even know where from.
There's this one little voice in the back of my head,
Saying this is way too much.
And, of course, too much for myself...
Sometimes I think it would be better for all this to end like we did.
Just keep the good memories so we can laugh at them whenever we meet.
Nothing else. This is so much easier.
I don't feel like I am capable of going any further here...
This is not the best way to carry out a life.
This is the only way I learned how to live.
I have put myself aside for so long,
It now seems impossible to go back in.
I don't think I will ever ace this task.
I don't think I will ever be able to live, the way you do.
-x-
Written on 13-07-2011

Him

Sometimes I find myself remembering all those things,
Remembering them, remembering us.
It was all so new,
It was all so cool.
Right now it is so distant and so silly.
Who would have thought...
You beyond everything, why you right?
It would had been just another year, though that changed it,
That changed me.
I don't know why after that, nothing seems as good...
I don't feel like finding anything like that again.
Of course it is due to fear, mainly because we both know how it ended up...
And of course my main quality is by far not courage...
What just sucks is that I now don't have the guts...
Maybe someday I'll feel like it's gone,
But as life keeps going I just can't help but to look back.
Back to the time when it didn't look so bad.
-x-
Written on 12-06-2011

Time to go...

I feel like if I start writing I may never stop again. 

So much happened and because of that my whole world felt apart like a sand castle

...who would have guessed..I couldn't, I didn't...

Now all I want is to get rid of this once and for all...

I don't feel like coming back, like ever coming back here, 

this city has never told me to leave so clearly before. 

I feel like I can for sure go back to the way I was before meeting any of them. 

I was better of just surviving the way I was used to. 

Now I feel like I need to meet this sort of pattern that has already proved itself useless. 

I need a new theory, a new way of life, or a new way to survive. 

Because that is all I do, I am not like you, never was, never will. 

I may have fooled all of you into this, and I am terribly sorry for it. 

It was not my intention to involve so may people into this, I don't even know how I managed to. 

But people don't do what they don't want to, 

So I must assume you are as damaged as me. 

She was, and I know this. I may not know her, I never said I knew. but I know this, this little, just this. 

Indeed I am sorry. 

Too much time and now I have to leave. 

Five years, I knew it would go wrong, this was not how things were supposed to be...

Too much happened, I can't process everything. 

This is not my regular life, my theories do not comply. 

Now I don't know what to do. At least until I leave of course, after that it'll all be fine. 

I'll not be here, they can go back to the way things were.

I have to keep going since this is the only thing I've mastered in these years.

I know this won't fail me up. I know I can figure things out in this amount of time. 

Further than that is just useless. 

People are too complicated, and when you don't consider yourself as one of them, 

it becomes too hard, almost unbearable. 

Yes frustration will come, you'd better hope it'll not stay. 

Since I am out of clues, I'll stop it here while I've got something to say. 

I don't know up to when I'll keep doing this. 

This will not save me, though it already have. 

This is the only thing that helps when another glass does not. 

This is the only thing I know, no one can blame me for.

-x-

Naive

Guess this is the way things are supposed to carry on.
I lost two days plus my temper, and for what?
That's when all the hate begun to flow, I should not, must not.
It is no use to think I can just start doing things differently right now.
This will just get me hurt and I do not have a great amount of time to lose.
Nothing and no one rather than myself will matter most.
It was always like this and it will until the day I get to rest.
I shall never forget about this.
This allows me to live among them.
This allows me to succeed among them.
I am still angry for letting it all fall through.
I am still angry for doing it to myself.
"But you're so naive, you're so"
-x-
Written on 31/05/11

Not right

I hate myself more than anything.
I hate myself for caring.
I hate myself more than anything.
I hate myself for daring.
No idea why I still do this when all the world seems careless.
No bloody idea why I still do this when I feel like you don't even exist...
This is me loosing this fucking game all over.
This is me not being able to understand why...
It would have been so much easier to just give up.
I wouldn't have to care nor think about it all.
This just hurts and no one will ever get it.
I thought you would. I thought you could be mature.
I thought I could just play along.
Though my tears are falling.
Though my heart is crying.
Though... I was just wrong.
-x-
Written on 28/05/11

Her v.2

How I wish you could see things the way I do.

How I wish you could value all these moments,

and understand that we can give to any of these as much importance as we want.

I thought you knew it and you appreciated it just like me.

But how naive of myself!

Guess I wanted it so much, I created my reality.

It hurts and this shouldn't be the time for such.

All I wanted as a huge list of good memories.

There are just five months for God's sake...

You just don't seem to get it.

I am now fighting my hate...

Why make this so complicated?

I want to control myself and take this shit away from my mind.

What hurts is feeling like she is the only one I can talk to about it all.

-x-

Written on 26/03/11

Interests

Shit! Why do people have to be like this?
Nobody is good at faking their own interests.
Still, it seems like a consensus among those considered great at negotiations,
That this is the best way to get people to do what you want...
I just can't handle it, it is so damn clear to me what everyone seems to have in mind,
I see no sense in running in circles expecting to have my interests complied.
It is just too hard to make people understand all this.
I don't enjoy playing this game, though if I have to, I will and I will win.
Because I am fully aware of what I am capable of.
I can see through you clearly.
But you will never understand me.
-x-
Written on 24/03/11

Not to care

This feels so right, and in these times I almost believe in her.
Believe nothing has changed, we are all still the same.
I know this does not work for too long, I am just glad we still have these moments.
The times we can just laugh around and be silly the way we want.
This is going to be so hard...
And I am doing my best not to let all these moments become my single goodbye.
I guess I can still try to live and train my mind to ignore all that's about to come.
Wish I had a clear idea of that, wish I could know it for sure.
Though I have to admit, my greatest fun is now hunting me.
For someone who loves surprises so much, it is weird to fear.
For someone who has done this before, I feel rather afraid.
It for sure is easier when one cares not.
-x-
Written on 13/03/11

Writing

Writing. Right now it seems like the only thing I can do.
The single way out.
Yes, I wanted this. I asked for this. And I need to handle this.
Only by doing that I'll get closer to understanding my life.
What I hate to admit, what I hate just to think, is that I am not the same person anymore.
Even though I can try to leave all this behind and go back to the way I begun,
I could never have more doubts...
My choices now seem to consider much more than they used to, and I have no idea why.
It seems tough, and most of the time it sucks.
I can't control everything any longer, I can't control what I feel.
Yeah, that's right, I can feel.
This single thing does mean a lot.
This little thing confuses my thoughts.
I am starting to doubt myself, in the single moment it is better not...
I must continue to live...
God knows how much can happen in one year.
I know how much it will hurt to leave.
-x-
Written on 1/03/11

Alove v.4

This is me thinking it is time to move on
I did think everything would remain the same, here I am hurt and naive...
I am breaking my most valuable rule just because I believed in something
Well, this silly self forgot that no matter what or when, people are all the fucking same
I hate it right now for fooling myself and not following what my experience has proven to be true.
Right now I feel like going back to my blood(y)-home close to people like me
It sucks and I don't even know how to describe it, I am not like them, no matter how hard I try.
I was naive like a seven-years-old, I must pretend to handle the consequences...
Here I am not accepting what I know to be true for me...
And this single thing will never change, no matter how hard I try to believe in everyone else around me.
One can not run from what's deep down its soul...
And I will never change, I'll remain alone
-x-
Written on 5/1/11

Lui

It's been ages and it feels quite weird,
Writing in here after everything...
Not an easy task for myself,
Though I should apologise for not being useful at all
All I can think about is to reply with a smile.
I know it's not always like this, and eventhough I wish,
I'll never stop being this coldhearted and boring
It does feel good to know we can still help each other out.
I felt so weak, so silly...
I still haven't got why that happened to me...
But thanks for everything, for being here.
Sometimes, or most of the times,
It is much easier to talk to someone new
To understand we are all fucking hard to predict...
I can not omit I miss her,
Maybe this is the way it is supposed to go...
I'll let her live and live along with her when it doesn't hurt.
Everything is changing and it for sure has become ironic,
How someone saved by changing can fear it so much.
-x-