Wish I could scream, make some noise and make it go away.
Wish there was a way to make me feel right again.
I need to get back on my feet and start to work on the end.
This is the hardest part, to put myself out there,
run the fucking risks, dare.
Whenever I think I'm going back there,
I fear to get lost in nostalgia and fail on my tasks.
I cannot let it happen.
This is when things should start to get interesting.
With the few things I already know,
I think there is room for good stuff to come out.
How hard will it be to make it work? I have no idea.
There is so much uncertainty around me...
So much to do with almost no clues...
No idea how I'm getting through with it all...
All I know is I don't want to become one of them.
I want to have fun and smile.
I want the money but not the worries.
I want the love without concerns.
What I really want, is to just close my eyes and let it go.
Tomorrow is a whole new world.
-x- written on 27.2.2012
quinta-feira, 8 de março de 2012
Morals
Why in heaven do I have to feel so bad about it?
I feel so silly, like I'm a teen all over again...
and I sucked at it...
How weird is it that when I needed to get it off my chest,
I ended up talking to both of them? This is not good at all.
I wanted to do things in a different way, make new choices, try to move on.
I seem to always get back to the same places, people, mistakes.
And since I am aware I am not the most resilient being...
going with the flow just fits me best...
I hate it!
I hate having to feel this bad for something nobody really cares!
I hate this need to manage people's opinions, manage their fucking egos and try to play along.
I hate how no matter their age, people always act as bloddy high school students!
This shitty game of appearances only matters when you have something clear to gain.
And I am not sure I want anything out of it anymore.
-x- written on 26.2.2012
I feel so silly, like I'm a teen all over again...
and I sucked at it...
How weird is it that when I needed to get it off my chest,
I ended up talking to both of them? This is not good at all.
I wanted to do things in a different way, make new choices, try to move on.
I seem to always get back to the same places, people, mistakes.
And since I am aware I am not the most resilient being...
going with the flow just fits me best...
I hate it!
I hate having to feel this bad for something nobody really cares!
I hate this need to manage people's opinions, manage their fucking egos and try to play along.
I hate how no matter their age, people always act as bloddy high school students!
This shitty game of appearances only matters when you have something clear to gain.
And I am not sure I want anything out of it anymore.
-x- written on 26.2.2012
Grown up?
I don't know why I can't do this anymore...
It used to be so easy, I used to not care at all...
Guess now I am too old or serious...
I just can't let it all go and have some fun.
I mean, what harm would it make?
I bet he wouldn't even remember it!
Maybe this is the reason why...
I guess somehow I care about him...
It's so silly!
I know all I want is to have some fun,
I just so happen to want it in a different way.
This is new and somehow weird.
This unknown feeling is the reason why
I am not doing things the way I used to, here.
I suppose it is for the best, to give myself a break
and start to look for something real...
Whatever this means...
I have reached a point where the future is so unknown
I can't even find the reasons to fear it.
-x- written on 18.2.2012
It used to be so easy, I used to not care at all...
Guess now I am too old or serious...
I just can't let it all go and have some fun.
I mean, what harm would it make?
I bet he wouldn't even remember it!
Maybe this is the reason why...
I guess somehow I care about him...
It's so silly!
I know all I want is to have some fun,
I just so happen to want it in a different way.
This is new and somehow weird.
This unknown feeling is the reason why
I am not doing things the way I used to, here.
I suppose it is for the best, to give myself a break
and start to look for something real...
Whatever this means...
I have reached a point where the future is so unknown
I can't even find the reasons to fear it.
-x- written on 18.2.2012
Keep going
I never thought it would be so hard to live without a plan.
This damn addiction makes me take a single spark all the way,
even when I still need to finish this stage before doing anything.
I feel like I should try and go after every opportunity while I can.
I feel like it would be a goof time to go back and focus on other aspects of my life.
This confusion is not new, I know.
It just happens that up to now my decisions were not that hard to make.
Now that I feel ready to choose any path, things get complicated.
I know this is the moment I have been postponing since the last end.
I know that going home for a while will help me decide.
Maybe it will be good to see how much I have changed,
If I have changed at all...
-x- written on 17.02.2012
This damn addiction makes me take a single spark all the way,
even when I still need to finish this stage before doing anything.
I feel like I should try and go after every opportunity while I can.
I feel like it would be a goof time to go back and focus on other aspects of my life.
This confusion is not new, I know.
It just happens that up to now my decisions were not that hard to make.
Now that I feel ready to choose any path, things get complicated.
I know this is the moment I have been postponing since the last end.
I know that going home for a while will help me decide.
Maybe it will be good to see how much I have changed,
If I have changed at all...
-x- written on 17.02.2012
My mistake
Nobody said it was gonna be easy.
Though sometimes I trick myself into thinking it.
When the truth is it is a whole new world, and getting fucked up seems to be a part of the fun.
I wasn't sure we were going through the same things, and of course I don't know,
I cannot make things seem better when I don't know for sure if I, myself, believe in it.
I have no idea of what to do from here, but somehow, waiting for things to just fall into place, seems to be working.
I still need to do my best not to lose focus and put some effort on things.
It is not even close to being easy, when the worst thing I know how to do is believe.
I wish to tell her that this will be worth in the end.
That in a year we will look back and be sure we did the right thing.
-x- written on 5.2.2012
Though sometimes I trick myself into thinking it.
When the truth is it is a whole new world, and getting fucked up seems to be a part of the fun.
I wasn't sure we were going through the same things, and of course I don't know,
I cannot make things seem better when I don't know for sure if I, myself, believe in it.
I have no idea of what to do from here, but somehow, waiting for things to just fall into place, seems to be working.
I still need to do my best not to lose focus and put some effort on things.
It is not even close to being easy, when the worst thing I know how to do is believe.
I wish to tell her that this will be worth in the end.
That in a year we will look back and be sure we did the right thing.
-x- written on 5.2.2012
Choose one
Guess I'll never know why I feel the way I do.
What if I have just been choosing the same path all along,
I mean, when I stop to think about it, it all makes sense...
Since I ran away the first time I have been giving up and moving on whenever things got out of my control.
I have left my friends, my lovers, everything, in search for a new place, new lies.
Maybe this is the way I'm supposed to be.
I would never be able to have everything planned the way she does.
Neither would I put so much effort to make it happen.
I guess we do should give as much importance to things as they deserve.
And in this case I may have neglected a great part of my life,
By giving too much importance to what doesn't really matter.
I need to accept what my skin tells me.
-x- written on 29.1.2012
What if I have just been choosing the same path all along,
I mean, when I stop to think about it, it all makes sense...
Since I ran away the first time I have been giving up and moving on whenever things got out of my control.
I have left my friends, my lovers, everything, in search for a new place, new lies.
Maybe this is the way I'm supposed to be.
I would never be able to have everything planned the way she does.
Neither would I put so much effort to make it happen.
I guess we do should give as much importance to things as they deserve.
And in this case I may have neglected a great part of my life,
By giving too much importance to what doesn't really matter.
I need to accept what my skin tells me.
-x- written on 29.1.2012
Empty mind
Sometimes I wish I could understand exactly how this helps me.
The truth is I don't know how or why, but these pages just help me empty out my mind.
I guess this is the only way I get to be completely honest without worrying if it will hurt others.
I know people don't really care about things like that.
I know I have suffered a lot because of that.
Well I guess even doing my best to avoid it, I sometimes fall on this old trap.
Right now at least, I don't think I can make this mistake.
Truth is, I am being so careful I may end up missing some opportunities.
It is just a little hard for me.
I tend to use the past as reference, when the point is this is all new for me.
And maybe my old lessons and theories will not work at all...
I only expect to get the most out of it for my future.
After all, this is the single reason why I am taking all these risks.
-x- written on 18.12.2011
The truth is I don't know how or why, but these pages just help me empty out my mind.
I guess this is the only way I get to be completely honest without worrying if it will hurt others.
I know people don't really care about things like that.
I know I have suffered a lot because of that.
Well I guess even doing my best to avoid it, I sometimes fall on this old trap.
Right now at least, I don't think I can make this mistake.
Truth is, I am being so careful I may end up missing some opportunities.
It is just a little hard for me.
I tend to use the past as reference, when the point is this is all new for me.
And maybe my old lessons and theories will not work at all...
I only expect to get the most out of it for my future.
After all, this is the single reason why I am taking all these risks.
-x- written on 18.12.2011
New in town
Wish I could summ up in a couple of lines how much things have changed,
How much I cried, doubted myself, gave up,
And with lots of support, got back up.
But it is not as easy as it may seem.
There were lots of things in between,
And even now, nearly two months after it all happened,
I still have trouble processing it.
Yes, I did leave my country and yes,
Here I am doing the craziest thing in my life.
Not quite the way I pictured, but as challenging as I need.
Guess I didn't want to precipitate myself.
Well, this is it now.
I've been away for two months, I am still troubled by loneliness from time to time.
However, nothing is too hard. Not too hard to try.
Sometimes I feel I could just stay here forever.
Sometimes my heart shows up...
I am still getting used to not knowing what happens next.
But I guess it fits me well. I can't ruin what I can't predict.
I can't make mistakes without premisses.
-x- written on 16.12.2011
How much I cried, doubted myself, gave up,
And with lots of support, got back up.
But it is not as easy as it may seem.
There were lots of things in between,
And even now, nearly two months after it all happened,
I still have trouble processing it.
Yes, I did leave my country and yes,
Here I am doing the craziest thing in my life.
Not quite the way I pictured, but as challenging as I need.
Guess I didn't want to precipitate myself.
Well, this is it now.
I've been away for two months, I am still troubled by loneliness from time to time.
However, nothing is too hard. Not too hard to try.
Sometimes I feel I could just stay here forever.
Sometimes my heart shows up...
I am still getting used to not knowing what happens next.
But I guess it fits me well. I can't ruin what I can't predict.
I can't make mistakes without premisses.
-x- written on 16.12.2011
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