Pacience

Parece que a saudade é desses sentimentos que precisam ser reconhecidos, experienciados, e, no que parece ser o meu caso, recorrentes. Não faz sentido tentar ignorá-la, afinal, em cada canto da mente, em cada referência, lá está você, ou melhor, lá estou eu sem você. É dolorido e o tempo não parece ajudar, quando tudo o que eu queria era que as horas voassem e o tempo fizesse seu trabalho asap. Mas, ao mesmo tempo, não quero deixar de viver o que aparentemente tenho de viver. É realmente confuso e cansativo, mas é o melhor jeito. Encarar a saudade de  você, de frente, com paciência. Não há como negar como me sinto perto de algo muito importante, e bom, para mim mesma, não é esperança tão mais do que intuição. Talvez a saudade seja necessária para a superação, talvez eu finalmente pare de achar que algo poderá acontecer... Acho que nesse aprendizado, o que ele me disse naquela épocas vale, e de certa forma, até  conforta, pois a dor é inevitável, mas o sofrimento é opcional.
-x-

Memory

How does one recognise happiness?
It has been so long,
I need to remind myself it is still possible
I had almost forgotten how it was
My mind seems to admire and doubt
All at once
I cannot help but wonder if this is really it
Somehow I need to crave for it
Though I never thought I could witness
what could remotely express
the possibility of reality
Perhaps I should try to accept it,
It is new so I should try it
This could be what I have felt
There is something of a change
Thus I will not let my mind
Refuse an old-fashioned,
Experiment.
-x-

You

Thinking can deceive you
The same way it did to me
Reality. Untrue.
Feeling can deceive you
How could one possibly make it through?
You make me wonder how far can it go
How far can feelings and thoughts alone
Take you?
I am not sure I can handle all that again
Of course this is a worry I carry alone
Mostly I am doing this alone,
In the end nothing will change that
What I've always known deep inside my soul
What my heart has not yet come into terms of believing
Alone from the craddle to the grave
A soul full of mates, empty of luck
Timing never helps, never did, never will
Imagine...
That should be fun...
My heart though desperate is fragile
My will cannot last for I got far too familiar with giving up
And you are impossible. That I have figured out.
Curiosity and desire seem to have brought us around
Though my deceived feelings tell me there is something else
Out there. Somewhere.
You'll never understand how little my soul can bare.
-x-

"Why"

Why sould I give up?
Whe kissing you is all I need
When I can wish for us whenever I want
Even if I know this may not last
Even when my heart knows it may not
I cannot help but whishing
For this to be something more
For me to feel something more.

"Why do you always do this to me?"
When we never know what will happen next
When I can do nothing but whish
When if my mind betrays my beliefs
All I can do is want it
To be something more
To mean somethimg more
Than my mind could ever predict...

Perhaps I need another mistake
Perhaps I need another experience

Even if this does not last
I feel something more
Another soul to keep in my mind
Another set of things to keep in my heart...
You would never know
How hard it is to fell
How hard it is to forget.

It is all I want for now,
Somewhere in the between,
Somewhere I may never regret,
This is what I want for now
This is another thing not to let go
It will hurt as hell
Only if we choose it to.

Decisions may hurt
For as long as we need them to
Decisions may show
What it is I have been avoinding to
"Why do I have to feel this way?"
More than words could ever translate
More than my thoughts could ever understand,

May it be real for as long as it lasts
May it make me feel this way,
For as long as I can handle...

Perhaps I need another mistake
Perhaps I need another experience

I should thank you
My heart still feels alive
Inspite of everything else
Inspite of all my choices and mistakes,
I know this is the best way I have found
To keep going on
To keep trying
For as long as this may last.

-x-

Another time

I cannot help but to feel tired
Not my first time, nor the last
My heart is sensitive
My mind is curious
Once again, here I am.
Perhaps I lost what I had to
The things which needed to happen
For me to find you
For us to find each other.
Better.
What to do next?
Breath, that's for sure
Look at the sky and walk
Until my steps mean something
Until feeling comes with no fear.
-x-

Fool

Why does it have to feel like that?

I know it was more than I thought,

More than I could have asked for

But now I’m in the between

And it doesn’t even feel as if it was real.

Memories come and go

When I can barely taste your kiss

Memories betray and deceive

When your hug is all I seem to miss

How silly of me to believe.

I cannot help myself,

That spark is all I have been looking for,

The fire I lack, the craziness inside

Missing you like you were mine.

Truth is having fun is addictive,

The danger, the novelty

How can I not enjoy it?

How can you not?

No doubt I have issues,

This has become so much more clear

Everything I do reminds me of it

My sick little mind and its tricks.

If I could control it,

If I could let it be free,

I would be losing a great part of me

Perhaps the part that got you there 

Perhaps the part that makes me question everything.

If only…

If only I thought I could ever feel complete.

Now

The unusual
The new
May scare and confuse
It is not hard
Some may think
It could be done
If it was not about me
Most of the times it is not
Though feelings come in the way
Mess everything up
Take care of my soul
Make me want to tear apart
Perhaps it is how this is supposed to be
Better not to risk
Better not to think
Better off without it
What to do next is a question one might ask
No answers
Not here at least
My need to question
My challenge to feel
You could have broken me
You could have saved me
It was never about you in the end
And my mind keeps deceiving me
I need my thoughts
Could barely live without
I need these words
To let the darkness hang around
Time, and only time shall prove
Whether I will make it through
Wondering and wandering
For until I know where to go
Any road will be good enough.
-x-