Dream on

And when doubt knocks on my door,
Insecurity is more than happy to let it in,
My heart cries like a spoiled child,
The noise they make won't let it sleep.
Is it the way this is supposed to be?
Controlling them was never easy,
Releasing them will be too dangerous
To risk.
Maybe sleeping on it will make it fade,
This dream they call reality has an expiration date,
I was never used to dreming anyway,
Closed eyes, but no kiss.
Tomorrow I won't miss you.
And when it comes you will never understand why,
Because I will never tell you,
Because you will never ask,
This is the end I forecast.
I feel no fear for the first time,
Whislt it seems to like you as a mate,
It is a silly little thing when you see it,
When you really see it.
I don't know if it is my task to show you how,
I don't know if you are supposed to show me
Anything at all,
My weakness is only one for the time being,
Believing there is even the slightest sign
Of reason.
-x-

Calm?

After the worst has passed,
What is left for us to do?
I like the way things are,
But routines were never my thing.
I am not sure he knows how this will end.
I am not sure he thinks there is something to end.
As for me...somehow this has survived way longer than planned.
And boy do I tend to plan things...
It is all new. Which means there's only learning.
No winning. No losing.
I can already smell the storm, though not for him.
I am glad at least these parts of my life are not merged.
I will need discipline. I will need some greed.
That should be fun to watch.
May it be as fun to play.
-x-

Playing

Why do stuff like that?
If you are not willing to give 100% why bother trying?
Fear has never helped anyone.
I can't do it like this.
Whislt I'm willing to try,
you are afraid to lose.
As if you were the only one with a past. The only one who's ever been hurt or destroyed.
I am afraid you aren't.
Never will you be.
People.
I wanted to believe we were all here to learn about love.
I wanted to believe I was equally able to do so.
History shows otherwise.
My heart knows otherwise.
My mind feels otherwise.
Guess I'll have to settle with the bare minimun.
And settle with the things I have been able to understand.
People.
I feel so tired, so weak, so silly.
I hate making a fool of myself.
Weird for someone who loves jokes... Fuck it.
Nothing you cannot handle.
Nothing you cannot surpass.
Nothing you cannot learn from.
Nothing you cannot forget.
Nothing. No one.
I must keep on living for this is the reason I did not give up in the past.
Let's see if I can ever feel surprised at last...
-x-