It's a new life

My mind is a mess
Everything is working out just fine...
Though in these days I seem so confused I can't find the right words
It has never been so hard
It has never been so easy
I've got the boys
I've got the job
I've got everything I could ever ask for
And oh my do I ask for things...
Every bloddy day I try to be thankful enough
But now I am just confused
Of course it will fade away
In a couple of days I'll bring myself back again
Not right now
All I need is this numbness...
It helps me out, not to worry
Not to think too much
It is so hard...
Against my nature, against my will.
Everybody seems to wish for my best
When all I want is for them to let me be
I never thought surviving could be so tricky...
Wrong at last
I seem to be mastering it
Perhaps finding someone good at last would help
Relying on others is not my biggest quality by far...
I've made it to this point
I'm sure I can keep on going
Why in heaven does she worry?
I don't worry myself about that.
It'll all work out I'm sure
I mean...if I don't believe who will?
Institutions, beliefs, expectations
Such confusing concepts
I need to settle
I should settle
But how could I?
Everything is moving, changing
And I thought change could not be real...
Not for me at least
Again, my mistake
As if I bothered counting them
As if I bothered forgetting them...
That, indeed, would be a bliss
Now this is my life
For as much as I try to run from it
This is how things should be
I just wanna learn how to live.
-x-