No...thing

Nothing,
You won't say nothing, and it's just fine....
Somehow their words are better than my own...
I am so lost and somehow fine...
The hurry went away...I am not as lost as I seemed...
Though I am as lost as... few things came up, and all I do is help them up...
I want her to succeed, to him, let us all be clear...
Though for now this is the only way...
And I don't want to ever feel her pain...
Mama knows best, she always will,
She always has...
This is the only way...
May they make their own money...
May it be enough for him to stay...
Because he is my godson, and I am going to
Protect him no matter what....
He is not to blame for his fathers' fought...
I am here, and I will not let go, if i need to stay there I will...
Whatever it is...
Let things just be...
I would rather just fly...
I'd rather just be free...
Nothing will ever be as you wish them to be...
-x-

Disappear

What a waste of time.
I did everything wrong.
If I was supposed to end up like that
Then why in heaven go through it all?
I wasted my time
Their, his, money...
I never felt so useless,
So lost
What in heaven does she want me to do?
Fuck.
I can't find a way out,
No matter in how many fucking languages I can say that.
And I can't talk to anyone...
Like I ever could.
More than ever, I just want to fade...
I feel like this is enough,
Like I am not going to be able to accomplish anything else.
And this is the truth.
I am done. I should just go and end it all.
What is the fucking point of going on?
I have nobody, no job, nothing...
Wish I could just be by myself for a while,
But more than ever this is impossible.
Fuck it...

Where?

It should be quick,
It should end well,
No, that is not reality.
Most of the times I'd rather not to tell...
But now this is all that's left for me,
Now they are the only ones I can talk to,
And she feels once again as my sister.
So confusing.
I'm not sad or anything,
Somehow it all feels messed up.
So close.
It is over and real life awaits.
A piece of paper,
A story, a lie.
My success, my regrets...
So weird.
I am not the same anymore,
Yeah it's been ten years
And what years!
The past calls me,
It's an invitation. To my own party.
I feel obsolete.
What if I don't belong here?
Wish I had a map for it.
-x-

Too close

It's a smell

It's a taste

Under my skin it shows

Hate

No. Not that.

Courage is here, not there.

Not where it should be.

Wisdom is here, just where it should be.

Power is here, and also on my mind.

My addiction,

It should never hide.

Thinking too much.

Feeling too much.

The pain always shows up.

Though I can never trust my eyesight.

Misunderstood senses,

Guess we all suffer from it…

Wish I had the answers.

Wish I could tell you.

I am doing my best to avoid the tears from falling.

There are just too many things to keep my success apart.

-x- 

Let's go

I could write nonstop…

My thoughts

My thoughts

Are killing me little by little

Too much

Too much

Them, me, everything

Wish I could jump to the end

After all this was gone

After she came here

After I went home.

But I am about to leave the place I got used to call home.

I am about to finish my break of the real life

I never liked reality that much anyway

Now it's time to return

Dive in cold waters

Step on burning coal…

I try to run from it

Using my well-known tricks

These do not work

I am lost

I'm somehow free

I feel as if I could walk anywhere

Though they would always be watching me.

-x- 

I still...

How could you end something you've never even started?

Neither to think about, nor to write or talk…

I'm stuck at this trap with no one to help,

With no one to care…

They're all gone at this time,

I stand here alone, once again,

Alone since the beginning,

Alone until the end.

Though finishing it is nothing but necessary,

Though finishing it could save my rep.,

Could save the rest.

My bottles do not seem to be enough,

They never were,

No, I don't plan to stop. 

I start to miss him, 

Not because of my first thought,

Not because of the laughs,

Because of it,

It could indeed help…

It took the pain away,

Now the pain is killing me.

I will keep going on,

It is not as if I've got a choice,

I will keep going on,

Since I still miss something,

I still miss someone.

-x- 

Playing with Wordle

I should be using it for my thesis...well...what the hell... 

Go on!

In a few months I will have to say goodbye.
In a few months this will all be gone.
I will forget what it felt like.
I will forget the cold, the pain.
I will forget the great times, the fun.
Though it may be worth to go back.
I cannot avoid to feel it.
The moon stares at me, the buildings insist to do the same.
I don't know yet if I'll miss it as much as he says he does.
I don't know if it will feel as weird as the last time.
Though I've got no other option so far,
Though i've got no other one so far,
There is nothing left but to try,
There is nothing left but to hide...
Time is known to help us all,
The time will come I'll have to try.
-x-

Wide Awake?

Waking up doesn't feel so good when your eyes close to this,
and open a whole new world.
If I could see this world the same way they do, there would be
no fun in closing my eyes, living those other li(v)es.
Suddenly I feel as if everything I used to think was completely mistaken.
As if I did what I've always hated to...
Talking about what you don't know,
is like driving without glasses on...
And now that I know it, I want to change sides.
I want to give up on it all.
I want to run away.
Rather, I want to fade away.
Maybe I'll settle in a couple of days, or weeks.
I need to be bored so i can finish it.
Falling asleep could really help me out.
Falling on the concrete, feeling such pain, may at least mean,
You knew how to fly.
-x- 28.06.12

Her.or.It.

After all these years. After all I've ever thought and said. After all my reckless opinions.
I find myself craving for it, waiting for him to come back so I can get some...
Not what you may think at first, though in the same sense ...
Since he is the only one who can provide me such relief...
Who'd have thought I'd be in such need for it after all these years?
This is alright in here because it is so damn far away,
But I know once I get home, I'll not be able to do so anymore...
I wouldn't be able to, I am, or will be, too close to the problem...
I don't feel like it would be safe to do it at home...
Maybe I am wrong... I sincerely hope so...
All I know is, that helps me, somehow...
That relieves me, somehow...
Somehow I don't feel so lost,
Somehow I feel like I could,
Somehow I feel like a dot,
About to drop down, and finish it all.
-x-

Him v.2

Sometimes I just hate how I had to adapt throughout my whole life to try to understand you, 

and this, somehow, has made me impossible. 

I thought if I could get you, act like you, talk like you, understand the things you do,

 you would accept me, like me, want to be with me.

After all these years I can do nothing but to accept I was terribly wrong. 

You don't care if we are not like you, nor if we never understand you. 

In fact this gives you stuff to talk about, jokes to make and basically makes your lives make sense. 

It is so sad because we at least can manage to act like you and have fun with you instead of with you. 

Sadly enough, you are not capable of doing the same. 

It is so fun to play with your minds, though when we really need you to act the way you are supposed to,

you walk away and pretend you don't know what you should do, or even better, who you should do. 

I am about to get sick of it. 

It is of course nice to have someone to talk about all those silly things they would just not care enough to…. 

but I feel as if all this bloody effort has been in vain. 

Of course I had lots of fun with you…

specially because of the wrong things I got to do alongside… 

but now that you're about to leave I am not sure how you feel about this, about us. 

Maybe you just don't give a shit after all… 

maybe I'll get to understand things better when we meet again in October

…who knows… 

All I know is I am not doing this anymore… 

I'd much rather be one of them, if it meant I could be with you.

Ghost

I need to see her. I need to talk to her.

I wish she could tell me the answers I seek.

I wish she could work this out for me.

No can do.

Truth is I hate having to put myself out there,

listening to people telling me what I already know.

But at the same time, I love doing all this on my own,

keeping their secrets somehow.

I must do this right because I see this as my only shot.

The more I overstay, the more I feel it.

I don't belong here anymore. And they all know that.

I feel like a ghost waiting for the certain amount of time

to pass so I can be free again.

It looks like a dangerous path.

However, I cannot find a single reason not to get down to it.

-x- 2.04.12

Fire

Why that? Why three in a row? Why right now?

I don't understand how they all got to tell me the same thing about her,

when she herself does not tell me anything.

I hate to think they are fooling me.

Been there, done that.

I had to take some (many) steps back after that.

It is like I was playing with fire, started enjoying the warmth too much,

got too close, burned myself.

Now I have no choice but to keep a safe distance

whenever the fire seems out of control.

I don't really feel like I matter. I don't want to. I can't.

She became my advisor and I shall follow her words.

Most of the times it is better not to create expectations.

My advice to myself is always to care not.

I must pay attention though I'll be gone soon…

Awaiting is the North.

-x- 16.04.12

Worth...

So she says she does not know if it is worth it.

How can we ever know such thing?

Even now, when all this is about to end, I have no idea if it was worth it.

Worse.

If I look back at all the major decisions I made,

I cannot say for sure it was worth it.

I don't believe there can ever be a way to measure such a thing…

If you take the much we change, the much everything changes…

It is just impossible…

Of course I don't really care if it is worth it or not.

Surviving is as amazing as this.

Maybe I should have gone on other ways…

but what use is it to think of all that…

The past is a tale.

The future is a dream.

The present will inevitably kill.

-x- 10.06.12

Graduation goggles

Now it's time to get back to reality.

I feel scared to face him…I know it's silly but if I don't fear him,

I'll not be able to do what he wants me to.

I must avoid the feeling of having too much time.

I really need to have the initial steps completed before our trip.

Yeah, I cannot avoid writing about it…he does make life easier around here.

It feels good to have someone to help from time to time.

Now I need to focus on getting back on track.

I barely finished what was on my list and I've already got a lot of new stuff to do!

Guess as long as I keep doing this I'll be just fine.

I wonder if things will be fine with her…

I know she always makes drama but I can't avoid it…

While she's desperate to return, I've got my graduation goggles on…

Life's so easy around here, why should I want to leave?

-x- 11.06.12

Curious?

How hard is it to take one step at a time?

All of a sudden I face what could become the perfect choice…

In six months…

If only they would wait for me, things would fit perfectly.

Sadly enough they cannot, and neither can nor will any other opportunity that may show.

I need to be able to let these go for a while.

But yeah, I still curse myself for opening that e-mail!

That would be just perfect.

It is so hard and I don't feel close to figuring it out.

The future still seems unclear though I am not fearing it,

I' just curious, wonder if it'll eventually kill me…

The great future I want may not show up as soon.

It is just hard to wait when I seem to be missing so much!

One step at a time, nice and slow.

-x- 14.06.12

R.I.P.

And through a simple line, life's gone.

Who'd have imagined I'd ever write about such thing in here…

but now, here I am, sad, surprised, feeling more useless than ever.

Wish I could say something decent to her,

but when actual death shows up, I am speechless.

He was her brother, indeed.

And even me, not being that close to him, couldn't avoid 

to have all the memories coming back to my mind.

He was a great person indeed, that's not just funeral bullshit.

It feels so hard to believe.

Me, unlike her… 

I don't have any notion whatsoever of how bad he got,

or how hard it was for all of them.

This is just one of those things that make you put everything behind

and just shout for someone…

I never thought I'd face anything like this while being away.

I'd never have thought it would get to me like this.

May his soul rest in peace.

-x- 16.06.12

Again, again...

It came to me while reading her blog,

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I tried to write about other things rather than my ownself.

But then, again, how could I ever do that?

I barely know and understand what goes on my own mind

What about other people's?

Sometimes I wish I could remember the things I talk to him about.

I always seem to have a good time and as amazing as it may sound, time really goes by when we're together.

Though there is something, and I don't mean just for him, something that stop us from doing anything…

Maybe in my case it's his fault…shit I really wish I had gone on and talked to him…but no, I had to be silly and drunk and let him go…

Anyway…the point is that in this case the so-called friendzone does not seem to do us much harm

In fact it is the only thing which is reasonable enough for us since in a few months we'll all be apart

At first I thought something could happen there, well now I don't really care because it fits me well.

I wish I had some idea of how life's going to be now that they are all leaving…

I sincerely hope it helps me in writing what I really need to…

Though being on my own never leads to much productive stuff…

One more wish before I wrap it up…wishing I wasn't such a mess!

My knee hurts, I feel thirsty, I need to sleep.

Tomorrow is my time again, let's repeat some mistakes.

-x-

S.F.

Wish I could ask someone about it

Someone I did not know what answer this person would give

I mean, I do know the correct answer and as always 

it feels nearly impossible for me to do the wrong thing. 

To let this opportunity slip.

But deep down I feel like I must. At least because I need to keep my word.

I also have no idea if I would succeed in that, even if I tried.

Yeah, I also know that not trying is not the best way to confirm that.

It just sucks because as much as I think it would be amazing to do such thing,

I also know it would give my life a completely different direction,

than the one I am trying to give to it by myself.

I know most of the times we are not the ones able to change the direction of our lives.

I just wish that for once I could do that.

I don't know for how long this almost-regretful feeling will haunt me

I hope not for so long because I have other things to focus on.

It is just too much…I haven't felt so tempted for a while…

I usually say that if you think twice you shouldn't do the 'thing'.

Let my first big mistake come on to me. 

-x- 16.06.12 

Out there...

Wish I could scream, make some noise and make it go away.
Wish there was a way to make me feel right again.
I need to get back on my feet and start to work on the end.
This is the hardest part, to put myself out there,
run the fucking risks, dare.
Whenever I think I'm going back there,
I fear to get lost in nostalgia and fail on my tasks.
I cannot let it happen.
This is when things should start to get interesting.
With the few things I already know,
I think there is room for good stuff to come out.
How hard will it be to make it work? I have no idea.
There is so much uncertainty around me...
So much to do with almost no clues...
No idea how I'm getting through with it all...
All I know is I don't want to become one of them.
I want to have fun and smile.
I want the money but not the worries.
I want the love without concerns.
What I really want, is to just close my eyes and let it go.
Tomorrow is a whole new world.
-x- written on 27.2.2012

Morals

Why in heaven do I have to feel so bad about it?
I feel so silly, like I'm a teen all over again...
and I sucked at it...
How weird is it that when I needed to get it off my chest,
I ended up talking to both of them? This is not good at all.
I wanted to do things in a different way, make new choices, try to move on.
I seem to always get back to the same places, people, mistakes.
And since I am aware I am not the most resilient being...
going with the flow just fits me best...
I hate it!
I hate having to feel this bad for something nobody really cares!
I hate this need to manage people's opinions, manage their fucking egos and try to play along.
I hate how no matter their age, people always act as bloddy high school students!
This shitty game of appearances only matters when you have something clear to gain.
And I am not sure I want anything out of it anymore.
-x- written on 26.2.2012

Grown up?

I don't know why I can't do this anymore...
It used to be so easy, I used to not care at all...
Guess now I am too old or serious...
I just can't let it all go and have some fun.
I mean, what harm would it make?
I bet he wouldn't even remember it!
Maybe this is the reason why...
I guess somehow I care about him...
It's so silly!
I know all I want is to have some fun,
I just so happen to want it in a different way.
This is new and somehow weird.
This unknown feeling is the reason why
I am not doing things the way I used to, here.
I suppose it is for the best, to give myself a break
and start to look for something real...
Whatever this means...
I have reached a point where the future is so unknown
I can't even find the reasons to fear it.
-x- written on 18.2.2012

Keep going

I never thought it would be so hard to live without a plan.
This damn addiction makes me take a single spark all the way,
even when I still need to finish this stage before doing anything.
I feel like I should try and go after every opportunity while I can.
I feel like it would be a goof time to go back and focus on other aspects of my life.
This confusion is not new, I know.
It just happens that up to now my decisions were not that hard to make.
Now that I feel ready to choose any path, things get complicated.
I know this is the moment I have been postponing since the last end.
I know that going home for a while will help me decide.
Maybe it will be good to see how much I have changed,
If I have changed at all...
-x- written on 17.02.2012

My mistake

Nobody said it was gonna be easy.
Though sometimes I trick myself into thinking it.
When the truth is it is a whole new world, and getting fucked up seems to be a part of the fun.
I wasn't sure we were going through the same things, and of course I don't know,
I cannot make things seem better when I don't know for sure if I, myself, believe in it.
I have no idea of what to do from here, but somehow, waiting for things to just fall into place, seems to be working.
I still need to do my best not to lose focus and put some effort on things.
It is not even close to being easy, when the worst thing I know how to do is believe.
I wish to tell her that this will be worth in the end.
That in a year we will look back and be sure we did the right thing.
-x- written on 5.2.2012

Choose one

Guess I'll never know why I feel the way I do.
What if I have just been choosing the same path all along,
I mean, when I stop to think about it, it all makes sense...
Since I ran away the first time I have been giving up and moving on whenever things got out of my control.
I have left my friends, my lovers, everything, in search for a new place, new lies.
Maybe this is the way I'm supposed to be.
I would never be able to have everything planned the way she does.
Neither would I put so much effort to make it happen.
I guess we do should give as much importance to things as they deserve.
And in this case I may have neglected a great part of my life,
By giving too much importance to what doesn't really matter.
I need to accept what my skin tells me.
-x- written on 29.1.2012

Empty mind

Sometimes I wish I could understand exactly how this helps me.
The truth is I don't know how or why, but these pages just help me empty out my mind.
I guess this is the only way I get to be completely honest without worrying if it will hurt others.
I know people don't really care about things like that.
I know I have suffered a lot because of that.
Well I guess even doing my best to avoid it, I sometimes fall on this old trap.
Right now at least, I don't think I can make this mistake.
Truth is, I am being so careful I may end up missing some opportunities.
It is just a little hard for me.
I tend to use the past as reference, when the point is this is all new for me.
And maybe my old lessons and theories will not work at all...
I only expect to get the most out of it for my future.
After all, this is the single reason why I am taking all these risks.
-x- written on 18.12.2011

New in town

Wish I could summ up in a couple of lines how much things have changed,
How much I cried, doubted myself, gave up,
And with lots of support, got back up.
But it is not as easy as it may seem.
There were lots of things in between,
And even now, nearly two months after it all happened,
I still have trouble processing it.
Yes, I did leave my country and yes,
Here I am doing the craziest thing in my life.
Not quite the way I pictured, but as challenging as I need.
Guess I didn't want to precipitate myself.
Well, this is it now.
I've been away for two months, I am still troubled by loneliness from time to time.
However, nothing is too hard. Not too hard to try.
Sometimes I feel I could just stay here forever.
Sometimes my heart shows up...
I am still getting used to not knowing what happens next.
But I guess it fits me well. I can't ruin what I can't predict.
I can't make mistakes without premisses.
-x- written on 16.12.2011