Him v.2

Sometimes I just hate how I had to adapt throughout my whole life to try to understand you, 

and this, somehow, has made me impossible. 

I thought if I could get you, act like you, talk like you, understand the things you do,

 you would accept me, like me, want to be with me.

After all these years I can do nothing but to accept I was terribly wrong. 

You don't care if we are not like you, nor if we never understand you. 

In fact this gives you stuff to talk about, jokes to make and basically makes your lives make sense. 

It is so sad because we at least can manage to act like you and have fun with you instead of with you. 

Sadly enough, you are not capable of doing the same. 

It is so fun to play with your minds, though when we really need you to act the way you are supposed to,

you walk away and pretend you don't know what you should do, or even better, who you should do. 

I am about to get sick of it. 

It is of course nice to have someone to talk about all those silly things they would just not care enough to…. 

but I feel as if all this bloody effort has been in vain. 

Of course I had lots of fun with you…

specially because of the wrong things I got to do alongside… 

but now that you're about to leave I am not sure how you feel about this, about us. 

Maybe you just don't give a shit after all… 

maybe I'll get to understand things better when we meet again in October

…who knows… 

All I know is I am not doing this anymore… 

I'd much rather be one of them, if it meant I could be with you.

Ghost

I need to see her. I need to talk to her.

I wish she could tell me the answers I seek.

I wish she could work this out for me.

No can do.

Truth is I hate having to put myself out there,

listening to people telling me what I already know.

But at the same time, I love doing all this on my own,

keeping their secrets somehow.

I must do this right because I see this as my only shot.

The more I overstay, the more I feel it.

I don't belong here anymore. And they all know that.

I feel like a ghost waiting for the certain amount of time

to pass so I can be free again.

It looks like a dangerous path.

However, I cannot find a single reason not to get down to it.

-x- 2.04.12

Fire

Why that? Why three in a row? Why right now?

I don't understand how they all got to tell me the same thing about her,

when she herself does not tell me anything.

I hate to think they are fooling me.

Been there, done that.

I had to take some (many) steps back after that.

It is like I was playing with fire, started enjoying the warmth too much,

got too close, burned myself.

Now I have no choice but to keep a safe distance

whenever the fire seems out of control.

I don't really feel like I matter. I don't want to. I can't.

She became my advisor and I shall follow her words.

Most of the times it is better not to create expectations.

My advice to myself is always to care not.

I must pay attention though I'll be gone soon…

Awaiting is the North.

-x- 16.04.12

Worth...

So she says she does not know if it is worth it.

How can we ever know such thing?

Even now, when all this is about to end, I have no idea if it was worth it.

Worse.

If I look back at all the major decisions I made,

I cannot say for sure it was worth it.

I don't believe there can ever be a way to measure such a thing…

If you take the much we change, the much everything changes…

It is just impossible…

Of course I don't really care if it is worth it or not.

Surviving is as amazing as this.

Maybe I should have gone on other ways…

but what use is it to think of all that…

The past is a tale.

The future is a dream.

The present will inevitably kill.

-x- 10.06.12

Graduation goggles

Now it's time to get back to reality.

I feel scared to face him…I know it's silly but if I don't fear him,

I'll not be able to do what he wants me to.

I must avoid the feeling of having too much time.

I really need to have the initial steps completed before our trip.

Yeah, I cannot avoid writing about it…he does make life easier around here.

It feels good to have someone to help from time to time.

Now I need to focus on getting back on track.

I barely finished what was on my list and I've already got a lot of new stuff to do!

Guess as long as I keep doing this I'll be just fine.

I wonder if things will be fine with her…

I know she always makes drama but I can't avoid it…

While she's desperate to return, I've got my graduation goggles on…

Life's so easy around here, why should I want to leave?

-x- 11.06.12

Curious?

How hard is it to take one step at a time?

All of a sudden I face what could become the perfect choice…

In six months…

If only they would wait for me, things would fit perfectly.

Sadly enough they cannot, and neither can nor will any other opportunity that may show.

I need to be able to let these go for a while.

But yeah, I still curse myself for opening that e-mail!

That would be just perfect.

It is so hard and I don't feel close to figuring it out.

The future still seems unclear though I am not fearing it,

I' just curious, wonder if it'll eventually kill me…

The great future I want may not show up as soon.

It is just hard to wait when I seem to be missing so much!

One step at a time, nice and slow.

-x- 14.06.12

R.I.P.

And through a simple line, life's gone.

Who'd have imagined I'd ever write about such thing in here…

but now, here I am, sad, surprised, feeling more useless than ever.

Wish I could say something decent to her,

but when actual death shows up, I am speechless.

He was her brother, indeed.

And even me, not being that close to him, couldn't avoid 

to have all the memories coming back to my mind.

He was a great person indeed, that's not just funeral bullshit.

It feels so hard to believe.

Me, unlike her… 

I don't have any notion whatsoever of how bad he got,

or how hard it was for all of them.

This is just one of those things that make you put everything behind

and just shout for someone…

I never thought I'd face anything like this while being away.

I'd never have thought it would get to me like this.

May his soul rest in peace.

-x- 16.06.12

Again, again...

It came to me while reading her blog,

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I tried to write about other things rather than my ownself.

But then, again, how could I ever do that?

I barely know and understand what goes on my own mind

What about other people's?

Sometimes I wish I could remember the things I talk to him about.

I always seem to have a good time and as amazing as it may sound, time really goes by when we're together.

Though there is something, and I don't mean just for him, something that stop us from doing anything…

Maybe in my case it's his fault…shit I really wish I had gone on and talked to him…but no, I had to be silly and drunk and let him go…

Anyway…the point is that in this case the so-called friendzone does not seem to do us much harm

In fact it is the only thing which is reasonable enough for us since in a few months we'll all be apart

At first I thought something could happen there, well now I don't really care because it fits me well.

I wish I had some idea of how life's going to be now that they are all leaving…

I sincerely hope it helps me in writing what I really need to…

Though being on my own never leads to much productive stuff…

One more wish before I wrap it up…wishing I wasn't such a mess!

My knee hurts, I feel thirsty, I need to sleep.

Tomorrow is my time again, let's repeat some mistakes.

-x-

S.F.

Wish I could ask someone about it

Someone I did not know what answer this person would give

I mean, I do know the correct answer and as always 

it feels nearly impossible for me to do the wrong thing. 

To let this opportunity slip.

But deep down I feel like I must. At least because I need to keep my word.

I also have no idea if I would succeed in that, even if I tried.

Yeah, I also know that not trying is not the best way to confirm that.

It just sucks because as much as I think it would be amazing to do such thing,

I also know it would give my life a completely different direction,

than the one I am trying to give to it by myself.

I know most of the times we are not the ones able to change the direction of our lives.

I just wish that for once I could do that.

I don't know for how long this almost-regretful feeling will haunt me

I hope not for so long because I have other things to focus on.

It is just too much…I haven't felt so tempted for a while…

I usually say that if you think twice you shouldn't do the 'thing'.

Let my first big mistake come on to me. 

-x- 16.06.12