Saudade

The only feeling I can express in no other language.
The single thing that makes me want to return.
Explaining is not easy at all,
one can say "it's homesick", but I only know it brings me down.

People are just fun, just strange sometimes.
I wonder if I am the only one who's wrong, seeing things no one does.
Sometimes I wonder if there is no wrong,
if it is enough just to be, just to breath.

This lack of sense.
Too much on my mind.
My heart wants to fly,
My mind wants to try.

-x-

Stay

They make me think I've done so much.
They make me believe I really should trust.
But I can do nothing but repeating the same li(n)es.
Telling a story I don't know where to hide.
At least I can say they know all my flawns.
I can even bet they know things I myself don't.
If it is all about friendship as some might say,
then I hope it is all about it someday.
Hidding is no fun when no one is trying to find you.
Pretending is no good if you are the only one confused.
This awkward sadness takes my strengh away.
Wish I could find it.
Wish I could make it stay.

-x-

Needs

Need to write
pms I guess
just missing everything
my chest

Pain is not to bear
to learn it is
love is not to hurt
to teach - maybe how to bear ,it is

Need to party
because of boys for sure
missing security
my trust

Distance is not to let one down
to give time and space it is
knowledge is not to put one aside
to help one through the distance it is

Let it go I will
no need for worries, time is about to come
hate not to know
hate not to predict
hardest challenge ever
coming down on my knees

-x-

That's just us

Best friends are forever are they not?
When time tries to prove me wrong...nothing stands out but this.
My single response is: yes they'll always be.
It doesn't matter,
No time, no fights, no distance.
That's just us.

If you ever thought laughing like a drunk old man,
talking shit all day long,
and..geez...always having something to talk about;
is something weird and silly...
Well, guess nothing like these things ever happened to you.
But if you went back to a good time memory while reading my reckless words,
you can by far keep these words with you,
for times like the ones I have and will always face
Going back to a good time memory and somehow trying to understand what happened...
Sometimes I just don't care...
Sometimes you'd rather not to care...

Well...guess this is it...
I am on the edge of it...
Another year, another unit of time
When the best things never come alone
When life insists to prove you are wrong
It is better not to measure what matters not
It is easier just to feel
Just that.
I just thought...
Don't worry little heart.
-x-

Locked up

When you need to throw it out
let go. scream aloud.
nothing helps because it is not anything
lost and sensitive. lost like me.

it sucks being used
it sucks being a toy

Life's supposed to be real
and this is the most it will get
they need you to share
they will not give up on requests

I can take it very long
I can't take it anymore

The things I keep and hide
feelings so made up, it is hard
to let it show.to let it flow
thought is I should never really know.

-x-

Awareness

Is it worse not to acknowledge change? I mean, if you refuse to see, and if you do it consciously is it really a problem? My answer would certainly be no, if you are aware of the act, of the refusal, there is no problem to maintain a pattern. But if you don't acknowledge your condition, if you'd rather create something on your own, then this act would for sure not be accepted.

Just if you stop to think of it, refusing to acknowledge is pretty much what we do everyday. We may of course be aware of some of our actions but not all of them, and not because we can not, mostly because we don't want to. It is not different at all of a person refusing to see change.

And then of course I am forced to write about the concept. Change is obviously something that should never become real. Change goes strictly against routine, against what we are used to, what leaves us comfortable and allows us to predict. To come close to the future we never get to live. Well if it is never meant to happen it justifies the refusal, one can not acknowledge what was not predicted, what should not have.

If one could have one would have. This automatically destroys every thought of possibilities and kills with a single move every willing for change. What happened is what could have happened. If something did not take place at this we call reality then it doesn't exist. Then we do not acknowledge its existence.

Of course that's more a frequent thought of mine than something I'll ever be able to solve. And if I may add such thing, it is not my goal to solve anything. It is not my will to make change disappear.

-x-

Let go

Giving up. So much harder than commiting. Or at least this is how it should be. Though sometimes you just don't care. That's the hardest thing to learn. Not to care.
When one cares more than anything. When this is the one who needs to quit. It is just not enough to acknowledge. You have to close you eyes. Hold your breath. Get inside what you may never realize.
How good must it be. To have the courage inside. Control and dominate your mind. Without regrets and fears. It is for sure better not to live. Not to live this play. Role play and find the right guns, treasures...fun.
There should be rules. Predictable and ordinary problems to solve. Do not worry there would not even be a soul. Ideas, thoughts, confusion. That should happen no more.
If you can just drop. Let it go. Stop this thought. Just don't spread the news. I still need something to write about. I still need to dream.
-x-