Out there...

Wish I could scream, make some noise and make it go away.
Wish there was a way to make me feel right again.
I need to get back on my feet and start to work on the end.
This is the hardest part, to put myself out there,
run the fucking risks, dare.
Whenever I think I'm going back there,
I fear to get lost in nostalgia and fail on my tasks.
I cannot let it happen.
This is when things should start to get interesting.
With the few things I already know,
I think there is room for good stuff to come out.
How hard will it be to make it work? I have no idea.
There is so much uncertainty around me...
So much to do with almost no clues...
No idea how I'm getting through with it all...
All I know is I don't want to become one of them.
I want to have fun and smile.
I want the money but not the worries.
I want the love without concerns.
What I really want, is to just close my eyes and let it go.
Tomorrow is a whole new world.
-x- written on 27.2.2012

Morals

Why in heaven do I have to feel so bad about it?
I feel so silly, like I'm a teen all over again...
and I sucked at it...
How weird is it that when I needed to get it off my chest,
I ended up talking to both of them? This is not good at all.
I wanted to do things in a different way, make new choices, try to move on.
I seem to always get back to the same places, people, mistakes.
And since I am aware I am not the most resilient being...
going with the flow just fits me best...
I hate it!
I hate having to feel this bad for something nobody really cares!
I hate this need to manage people's opinions, manage their fucking egos and try to play along.
I hate how no matter their age, people always act as bloddy high school students!
This shitty game of appearances only matters when you have something clear to gain.
And I am not sure I want anything out of it anymore.
-x- written on 26.2.2012

Grown up?

I don't know why I can't do this anymore...
It used to be so easy, I used to not care at all...
Guess now I am too old or serious...
I just can't let it all go and have some fun.
I mean, what harm would it make?
I bet he wouldn't even remember it!
Maybe this is the reason why...
I guess somehow I care about him...
It's so silly!
I know all I want is to have some fun,
I just so happen to want it in a different way.
This is new and somehow weird.
This unknown feeling is the reason why
I am not doing things the way I used to, here.
I suppose it is for the best, to give myself a break
and start to look for something real...
Whatever this means...
I have reached a point where the future is so unknown
I can't even find the reasons to fear it.
-x- written on 18.2.2012

Keep going

I never thought it would be so hard to live without a plan.
This damn addiction makes me take a single spark all the way,
even when I still need to finish this stage before doing anything.
I feel like I should try and go after every opportunity while I can.
I feel like it would be a goof time to go back and focus on other aspects of my life.
This confusion is not new, I know.
It just happens that up to now my decisions were not that hard to make.
Now that I feel ready to choose any path, things get complicated.
I know this is the moment I have been postponing since the last end.
I know that going home for a while will help me decide.
Maybe it will be good to see how much I have changed,
If I have changed at all...
-x- written on 17.02.2012

My mistake

Nobody said it was gonna be easy.
Though sometimes I trick myself into thinking it.
When the truth is it is a whole new world, and getting fucked up seems to be a part of the fun.
I wasn't sure we were going through the same things, and of course I don't know,
I cannot make things seem better when I don't know for sure if I, myself, believe in it.
I have no idea of what to do from here, but somehow, waiting for things to just fall into place, seems to be working.
I still need to do my best not to lose focus and put some effort on things.
It is not even close to being easy, when the worst thing I know how to do is believe.
I wish to tell her that this will be worth in the end.
That in a year we will look back and be sure we did the right thing.
-x- written on 5.2.2012

Choose one

Guess I'll never know why I feel the way I do.
What if I have just been choosing the same path all along,
I mean, when I stop to think about it, it all makes sense...
Since I ran away the first time I have been giving up and moving on whenever things got out of my control.
I have left my friends, my lovers, everything, in search for a new place, new lies.
Maybe this is the way I'm supposed to be.
I would never be able to have everything planned the way she does.
Neither would I put so much effort to make it happen.
I guess we do should give as much importance to things as they deserve.
And in this case I may have neglected a great part of my life,
By giving too much importance to what doesn't really matter.
I need to accept what my skin tells me.
-x- written on 29.1.2012

Empty mind

Sometimes I wish I could understand exactly how this helps me.
The truth is I don't know how or why, but these pages just help me empty out my mind.
I guess this is the only way I get to be completely honest without worrying if it will hurt others.
I know people don't really care about things like that.
I know I have suffered a lot because of that.
Well I guess even doing my best to avoid it, I sometimes fall on this old trap.
Right now at least, I don't think I can make this mistake.
Truth is, I am being so careful I may end up missing some opportunities.
It is just a little hard for me.
I tend to use the past as reference, when the point is this is all new for me.
And maybe my old lessons and theories will not work at all...
I only expect to get the most out of it for my future.
After all, this is the single reason why I am taking all these risks.
-x- written on 18.12.2011