Thoughts

My mind seems to run faster than I can handle...
It hurts so much, more than I have ever felt...
Just missing you, makes me wanna regret.
Choices. Sucessful or not. They come. One can not avoid.
It hurts as hell. It bleeds as you would not be able to tell...
Though I know we are all way too different,
Though I know this is not the fckin end...
It makes me sad. Yes, there's no one to blame.
All I want, is to make it worth,
I do know, five or ten years from now I may not hear from you again...
Not the way we do right now.
Though it hurts. It is necessary,
I never expected to meet you,
Even though I say, I knew I would be friends with you,
It was never up to such "level"if I may add...
This is just another line,
just another verse...
My mind runs faster, my thoughts are too confused...
All I could wish for,
Is not to lose you all...
It happened way unexpected, but it did...
We are nothing usual...
Though we are ouselves, we are crazy and this is true for them...
Let everyone else think,
We just don't belong.
-x-

A text!

  Since I do not seem to be able to write about what I really need to, let us move on to a different thing here: a text!. I tend not to like these because...well...because I am a fckng lazy little girl, mainly. However, today, nothing else would allow me to express myself better, I don't feel quite misterious to write a poem (or the things I put here usually) neither do I feel like painting or playing my already-forgotten-guitar. And this simple, though not needed explanation, got me a couple of lines so I can really start to make a point here.
  I have no idea why, but my mood changed from "water to wine" as we say in Portuguese. Well, of course I thought a lot about it and why such thing happened. Sadly I managed to extract a couple of explanations from my mind. First and clearly, I did not study 1% of what I was supposed to. Second, when I did try to study, I realised I've got nothing! Then, I received my never-before-talked-about father in order to play his driver around the city. Mixing everything I ended up with some tears and voilá this text (I also got two paragraphs for my college final dissertation but let us not mention this here again...)!
 It is at least fun how I feel confortable writing about anything around here and when I need to write for the sake of my own so-called future, my hands freeze, my ideas vanish. What I feel lacks me the most when it comes to writing for my future's sake is passion. Yes, it's cheesy but it's true. After all the cracks and changes I had to make at my dissertation, after listening to so many people (who seemed quite happy just to ruin my work), I finally decided to follow a friend's advice and drop it. Somehow, when you don't quite love what you are doing, the things others say don't bother you that much. It for sure helps. It is not helping me at all.
 Today I was able to figure a simple thing out. I need the passion, I need to care. Otherwise, I can't do whatever I need to do. This bloddy thought has become my personal curse. I don't want to take any longer to finish my work, since this would mean putting my masters on stand-by. Though,at the same time, I don't want a lame and silly work. My solution is as simple as closing up my eyes, and just like that I am not yet able to achieve it. I must remember nothing lasts forever, nor shall this work. I must get it done and if necessary, forget about it and move on. While nothing changes I'll keep thinking and enjoying my little games.
-x-

End?

If there's one thing I know about myself,
is to hate any sort of farewell
I don't feel like things should come to an end just because one is away...
I do have a hard time to face that certain things do end
That there are people and places I'll never see again.
And laughs and moments that will never return.
It is difficult because it is unusual
And it is often sad because it is true
Sometimes I think there should be no end
We should just keep going the same way we begun
Of course there is no real end
But we do need to stop at some point and pick a new path
Maybe it is just myself that needs it
Since I would never be able to live in any other way
But maybe it isn't just me, I just can't see...
I feel afraid to face another shift
This will be completly new, indeed I know I need it
Or I wish I knew...
It feels hard and I am doing my best
To leave everything peaced out
Just in case...
Just because I don't know if I'll come back.
-x-

And then?

I sincerely avoid to think of it
What will happen when we do not meet everyday?
Do not spend hours and hours laughing, talking,living?
It's hard to imagine ourselves apart
At least after everything...
Somehow we trust each other
Somehow we do not care about everything else
If we are together, nothing matters
What matters is having fun
In our crazy and so called way
But having it whatsoever
This is our life
Our real life, one may say
And if we are the ones that build reality
If each reality is different
I can say for as little as I have lived
This one is by far unique
I myself would never be able to live it other than like this
-x-

Reasons

It has become predictable as hell
Though I can not avoid to tell
Most of the times I have no idea why
How come these words get out of my mind?
If only one answer could pop out
No worries and no hopes
No tears and no mistakes
I keep chasing a reason
I keep running to fall
So sad everything is coming to place
With or without me
Would not change anything at all
I know this is what I need
If different, guilt would show
It is just complicated to think
When there's nothing else to look for
Ten years from now, I really don't know
I feel alive just for being alive
It was my choice
Why so? No clue
My reasons are not clear yet
Well, I don't think they`ll ever be.
-x-

Life

There are times I think it could never go wrong
But when it happens you all get to get it
I'll be alone as or more as I begun
It's scary, scary as hell
When I think it was my choice, well, what could I do?
I can not blame you, I can not run away
That's just us and it hurts more than I can say
You have no idea, I never thought you would
But I do feel everything, and my heart is dying with it
Dying in a different way, because dead it already was
Well I don't think it will ever live again,
but you all made it a little bit closer to life
however, the line is too tiny
however, I can not hide
It sucks doind these things
I get confused and lost
Because my lack of life was never supposed to be like this
I can not blame you, I would never be able to
I can blame myself and my choices
The tears fall, drop down
This is me again, thinking of you
Wishing I did not love you all.
-x-

Let it rain

How I wish I could know what happens next.
Life`s not even close to these tv shows...
One never knows,
One never cares.
Yeah, that`s not good and it may not be fair.
But when you`ve seen what I did, you`ll think twice before you dare.
Sorry for the confusion and the lack of sense.
It happens a lot when I don`t know where to stand.
Truth is it all seems so calm I can not help but to expect for a storm.
Maybe I`ll swim out of it, maybe I`ll get lost and sink.
Nothing to worry right now since it has fallen apart once, yet we all survived.
It is for sure easier when you already know.
Well, if we knew it all before, we would probably end up killed by an endless storm.
-x-
Written on Aug. 6th