Lui

It's been ages and it feels quite weird,
Writing in here after everything...
Not an easy task for myself,
Though I should apologise for not being useful at all
All I can think about is to reply with a smile.
I know it's not always like this, and eventhough I wish,
I'll never stop being this coldhearted and boring
It does feel good to know we can still help each other out.
I felt so weak, so silly...
I still haven't got why that happened to me...
But thanks for everything, for being here.
Sometimes, or most of the times,
It is much easier to talk to someone new
To understand we are all fucking hard to predict...
I can not omit I miss her,
Maybe this is the way it is supposed to go...
I'll let her live and live along with her when it doesn't hurt.
Everything is changing and it for sure has become ironic,
How someone saved by changing can fear it so much.
-x-

Aim for it...

This is the first day of the rest of my life.
I can not help but to feel scared,
No it is not a bad thing at all,
It shows me somehow down deep I care about my life,
This is a very good way to go.
Of course there are things that don't feel right,
And yes, there is way too much I still don't get,
I like to believe this is the way it is supposed to be,
I like to believe I'll get it eventually.
Though lately my thoughts have betrayed me,
Wondering if it would not be better to stay,
I have to keep going the way I figured,
Otherwise I'll get lost and lazy,
Too scared and freightened to do anything at all.
I want to be good at it,
Whatever it is that awaits me,
I've got to nail it,
This is not a dream anymore,
This is a goal, an objective.
-x-

Run.

What happens when the end meets yourself?
I mean, the end of a phase, not of everything
This feels too hard and I don't think there is enough time
Looking back, there are so many things I whish I had done,
I wish I had not...
Though it is really too late for such thoughts.
Life managed to bring us all together,
And somehow it will bring us apart.
The things future holds, are so unknown,
So freightening...
I can speak for myself, I always do so.
I have no idea what to do next.
Wish I could finaly do everything I have ever wanted,
Wish I could give up on the unecessary and just breath.
But life is way too smart,
No success comes if you don't give up on some.
And once again my sacrifices will have to prove themselves worth it.
I can say I got lucky the first time,
And as another shift aproaches, there's fear, I can not lie.
Hope serves those not good enough.
My hope is to keep living, not less, not more.
I need to find myself again,
I need to start running from everything.
A new oasis awaits.
-x-

Changing

Transform your failure in your reason to be

Change everything you are used to feel

Run for the new way as if you wouldn't live without it

Because deep down you know you're nothing without it.

We all need new things, we all seek for these

It may not seem like a good thing to do,

It may not seem like a good thing to feel

Though, that's the way we all are.

Sometimes I wish not to feel so attracted by it,

There are things in our lives we never want to go away...

We never even try to think of how different it would be,

All we want is "the same", is that feeling to not go away.

I am scared and deeply lost,

As these changes approach,

As I seem to feel bored...

Nothing else would make me happier.

I dont't want it all to go,

I don't want it not to show,

It took too long for me to enjoy it...

Now I can not give up on...

Everything I wanted was just to feel.

Well, at least if I can assure mself it is all real.

-x-

Here it comes...

I have been writing about it,
I have been thinking about it,
Though now, it is really happening.
Two weeks and it will all be gone.
Institutions are more important than we believe,
And our control over such, is nothing compared to the other way.
This is hard,
This was/is deeper than I thought,
Than I wanted it to be.
My choices never meant a lot anyway...
My life seems too far away,
Everything I knew,
Privacy, freedom, carelessness
It's all gone.
As fast as a little leaf by the wind,
As fragile as an ice cube by the sun,
It melt down and I did not predict it.
Now I am fckd up,
I have nowhere to run.
It was a great amount of time,
It was a good life.
Let me face the storm.
-x-

Thoughts

My mind seems to run faster than I can handle...
It hurts so much, more than I have ever felt...
Just missing you, makes me wanna regret.
Choices. Sucessful or not. They come. One can not avoid.
It hurts as hell. It bleeds as you would not be able to tell...
Though I know we are all way too different,
Though I know this is not the fckin end...
It makes me sad. Yes, there's no one to blame.
All I want, is to make it worth,
I do know, five or ten years from now I may not hear from you again...
Not the way we do right now.
Though it hurts. It is necessary,
I never expected to meet you,
Even though I say, I knew I would be friends with you,
It was never up to such "level"if I may add...
This is just another line,
just another verse...
My mind runs faster, my thoughts are too confused...
All I could wish for,
Is not to lose you all...
It happened way unexpected, but it did...
We are nothing usual...
Though we are ouselves, we are crazy and this is true for them...
Let everyone else think,
We just don't belong.
-x-

A text!

  Since I do not seem to be able to write about what I really need to, let us move on to a different thing here: a text!. I tend not to like these because...well...because I am a fckng lazy little girl, mainly. However, today, nothing else would allow me to express myself better, I don't feel quite misterious to write a poem (or the things I put here usually) neither do I feel like painting or playing my already-forgotten-guitar. And this simple, though not needed explanation, got me a couple of lines so I can really start to make a point here.
  I have no idea why, but my mood changed from "water to wine" as we say in Portuguese. Well, of course I thought a lot about it and why such thing happened. Sadly I managed to extract a couple of explanations from my mind. First and clearly, I did not study 1% of what I was supposed to. Second, when I did try to study, I realised I've got nothing! Then, I received my never-before-talked-about father in order to play his driver around the city. Mixing everything I ended up with some tears and voilá this text (I also got two paragraphs for my college final dissertation but let us not mention this here again...)!
 It is at least fun how I feel confortable writing about anything around here and when I need to write for the sake of my own so-called future, my hands freeze, my ideas vanish. What I feel lacks me the most when it comes to writing for my future's sake is passion. Yes, it's cheesy but it's true. After all the cracks and changes I had to make at my dissertation, after listening to so many people (who seemed quite happy just to ruin my work), I finally decided to follow a friend's advice and drop it. Somehow, when you don't quite love what you are doing, the things others say don't bother you that much. It for sure helps. It is not helping me at all.
 Today I was able to figure a simple thing out. I need the passion, I need to care. Otherwise, I can't do whatever I need to do. This bloddy thought has become my personal curse. I don't want to take any longer to finish my work, since this would mean putting my masters on stand-by. Though,at the same time, I don't want a lame and silly work. My solution is as simple as closing up my eyes, and just like that I am not yet able to achieve it. I must remember nothing lasts forever, nor shall this work. I must get it done and if necessary, forget about it and move on. While nothing changes I'll keep thinking and enjoying my little games.
-x-