Over

Thinking.
Now it's the time
To throw it all out
To pour some whisky
Not a sip, drink it up.
Now it's the time
To look at the courage
I did not have the heart to own.
Embrace it.
Power.
Move on, shall we?
Yes we shall.
This is the time,
My tears have to stop
No weakness
Just my heart.
This is what I want
Enough of hurting
I may second guess
I won't regret.
Thinking.
Once again,
Not like before
I am not the same
You've met, hang on.
The malt in my veins
Shall not be in vain.
How does it feel to be strong?
I can see no better time to know.
I'll figure it out
With or without you
The time is now.
Worrying is a need
It has got me this far.
Fearing is a sin,
I don't want anymore scars.
If this is what I have to do,
Let's bring it up.
I'll embrace my darkness
This is my better side.
Let the flames blow up
For this future unknown.
These ashes will wash away,
That's the rest of you in me
Circling the drain.
I could scream it out loud
But my soul just wants to blow it
Off and away
So it begins.
-x-

Corrrect?

Never have I ever been so wrong
So many times in a row
So much in a single year
Though maybe it has been a good thing.
A collection of mistakes,
If one is brave and smart,
Can become an opportunity
To make things right.
The only thing now is finding out
Whether bravery and intelligence
Will once again get along with me.
All I need is a single sign,
Something to prove to me
Trying is still worth it
Feeling is still a priviledge
Living is still different.
I know my forever blury eyesight
May fail to understand what lies ahead
And my long to be recovered heart
May ignore and avoid more than ever before.
I just want to keep going
Step by step
A little bit longer.
Nothing will ever change
If I am not ready to make a couple more of them.
Mistakes.
-x-

Break

Sometimes your heart must stop you
From harming it once more
From leaving it destroyed
Though you may think it is ok
Your mind can only tolerate so much more pain.
For now it feels better to stop
Stop looking for something that never comes
Stop looking for different people
When they are all as hurt as you
It is not easy to give up
However, at least for now, it is the right thing to do.
I fear missing something out
I fear not taking an opportunity
But all the courage I had deep down
Has been taken, no questions asked
No excuses on the way.
If only we could see how much the future hurts
Predict and act before everything gets worse...
I know this is not how love works
I know so much about the "nots"
Perhaps someday I will know about the truth.
No, hope respawns more quickly than I thought,
It is resilient, inconsistent, sttuborn
It makes you feel as if you could...
Sadly, my knees are hurt
My legs are shaken
My eyes are lost.
I'll take a deep breath and fall asleep again
For the mornings require more energy
Than I seem to be able to save
For the nights are full of thoughts
And the thoughts full of pain.
If only we could know beforehand.
-x-

Rebooting

At some point I have to believe I am lucky enough,
To have all of them around me, willing to stay,
Willing to mean something.
I was never the kind of person that neglected others.
I may sometimes push them away, in a need to be alone,
Though I am well aware I never am, never was, never will be.
They help me get by, they understand me somehow.
This is why my skin shows what I value the most,
I would have never made it through without it.
I am glad things seem to be working out,
In an always confusing and twisted way.
Who cares?
I do. More than I wish I would. More than I wish they would.
Living is such a complex task,
After all these years of trying,
I am still learning like a child.
Maybe someday I will feel complete,
Not by a single person as many like to believe,
But by all these great souls I have managed to keep around me.
They bring me joy, they show me there is always more.
More than you can see,
More than you think you know,
More than you will ever be able to believe.
And for that I must keep going,
For that I must never let my intelligence leave me.
Feeling, living, breathing.
Thinking.
Perhaps I do must reboot.
-x-

Cruising

I feel as if waiting for time to move
Soon it will, so fast I don't want to miss a thing
I know there will be novelty and excitement
I know in a couple of days all this
Will be just a simple memory
Lying comfortably in the depths of my soul
Solid and cold inside my crumbled heart
For this is the only way I can do things
This does not hurt, this I can achieve
I won't fool myself, I won't neglect
I will understand, accept
Every little piece is supposed to count
Somehow
And if I can make good use of it
Perhaps someday
This puzzle will be complete.
-x-

Goodbye

I don't know if I should apoligise.
But I feel the need to at least justify.
I am leaving you. This idea of you behind.
I know you left it way before me,
But I had some hope and used it.
Now all I have left is reality.
For the reality is you want to belong to her.
Well, there is nothing else I can do.
It feels sad for my hope and plans,
Though I am sure even they understand.
Moving on is never easy. Not is it to see you with her.
This is it for now. This is the best I can do.
All I know is I will miss you.
Our chats.
Our hugs.
Our laughs.
Even these tears.
I will miss the idea of you.
Maybe it won't be so hard to understand.
-x-

Back to black

No shame in crying.
No shame in living.
No shame in feeling.
The thing is I need to take control,
For this is my life,
My ride, my pride.
I'll get back on my feet,
I'll get back on moving.
Moving on.
For if you are not the one,
Someone else will,
This world is full of possibilities,
Full of people just like me,
Full of people who want to try,
Full of people who know how to live.
Not survive.
It was my choice and I will live to it,
It is on my skin and I will never let it go.
There is so much to see,
So much fun out there,
Why should I ever settle for less?
Now I am back.
Back in control,
Back in the game.
If this is the way it is supposed to be,
I might as well make the best out of it.
Let's see what is coming to me,
No shame, no regrets.
I just wanna live.
-x-