No...thing

Nothing,
You won't say nothing, and it's just fine....
Somehow their words are better than my own...
I am so lost and somehow fine...
The hurry went away...I am not as lost as I seemed...
Though I am as lost as... few things came up, and all I do is help them up...
I want her to succeed, to him, let us all be clear...
Though for now this is the only way...
And I don't want to ever feel her pain...
Mama knows best, she always will,
She always has...
This is the only way...
May they make their own money...
May it be enough for him to stay...
Because he is my godson, and I am going to
Protect him no matter what....
He is not to blame for his fathers' fought...
I am here, and I will not let go, if i need to stay there I will...
Whatever it is...
Let things just be...
I would rather just fly...
I'd rather just be free...
Nothing will ever be as you wish them to be...
-x-

Disappear

What a waste of time.
I did everything wrong.
If I was supposed to end up like that
Then why in heaven go through it all?
I wasted my time
Their, his, money...
I never felt so useless,
So lost
What in heaven does she want me to do?
Fuck.
I can't find a way out,
No matter in how many fucking languages I can say that.
And I can't talk to anyone...
Like I ever could.
More than ever, I just want to fade...
I feel like this is enough,
Like I am not going to be able to accomplish anything else.
And this is the truth.
I am done. I should just go and end it all.
What is the fucking point of going on?
I have nobody, no job, nothing...
Wish I could just be by myself for a while,
But more than ever this is impossible.
Fuck it...

Where?

It should be quick,
It should end well,
No, that is not reality.
Most of the times I'd rather not to tell...
But now this is all that's left for me,
Now they are the only ones I can talk to,
And she feels once again as my sister.
So confusing.
I'm not sad or anything,
Somehow it all feels messed up.
So close.
It is over and real life awaits.
A piece of paper,
A story, a lie.
My success, my regrets...
So weird.
I am not the same anymore,
Yeah it's been ten years
And what years!
The past calls me,
It's an invitation. To my own party.
I feel obsolete.
What if I don't belong here?
Wish I had a map for it.
-x-

Too close

It's a smell

It's a taste

Under my skin it shows

Hate

No. Not that.

Courage is here, not there.

Not where it should be.

Wisdom is here, just where it should be.

Power is here, and also on my mind.

My addiction,

It should never hide.

Thinking too much.

Feeling too much.

The pain always shows up.

Though I can never trust my eyesight.

Misunderstood senses,

Guess we all suffer from it…

Wish I had the answers.

Wish I could tell you.

I am doing my best to avoid the tears from falling.

There are just too many things to keep my success apart.

-x- 

Let's go

I could write nonstop…

My thoughts

My thoughts

Are killing me little by little

Too much

Too much

Them, me, everything

Wish I could jump to the end

After all this was gone

After she came here

After I went home.

But I am about to leave the place I got used to call home.

I am about to finish my break of the real life

I never liked reality that much anyway

Now it's time to return

Dive in cold waters

Step on burning coal…

I try to run from it

Using my well-known tricks

These do not work

I am lost

I'm somehow free

I feel as if I could walk anywhere

Though they would always be watching me.

-x- 

I still...

How could you end something you've never even started?

Neither to think about, nor to write or talk…

I'm stuck at this trap with no one to help,

With no one to care…

They're all gone at this time,

I stand here alone, once again,

Alone since the beginning,

Alone until the end.

Though finishing it is nothing but necessary,

Though finishing it could save my rep.,

Could save the rest.

My bottles do not seem to be enough,

They never were,

No, I don't plan to stop. 

I start to miss him, 

Not because of my first thought,

Not because of the laughs,

Because of it,

It could indeed help…

It took the pain away,

Now the pain is killing me.

I will keep going on,

It is not as if I've got a choice,

I will keep going on,

Since I still miss something,

I still miss someone.

-x- 

Playing with Wordle

I should be using it for my thesis...well...what the hell...