I still...

How could you end something you've never even started?

Neither to think about, nor to write or talk…

I'm stuck at this trap with no one to help,

With no one to care…

They're all gone at this time,

I stand here alone, once again,

Alone since the beginning,

Alone until the end.

Though finishing it is nothing but necessary,

Though finishing it could save my rep.,

Could save the rest.

My bottles do not seem to be enough,

They never were,

No, I don't plan to stop. 

I start to miss him, 

Not because of my first thought,

Not because of the laughs,

Because of it,

It could indeed help…

It took the pain away,

Now the pain is killing me.

I will keep going on,

It is not as if I've got a choice,

I will keep going on,

Since I still miss something,

I still miss someone.

-x- 

Playing with Wordle

I should be using it for my thesis...well...what the hell... 

Go on!

In a few months I will have to say goodbye.
In a few months this will all be gone.
I will forget what it felt like.
I will forget the cold, the pain.
I will forget the great times, the fun.
Though it may be worth to go back.
I cannot avoid to feel it.
The moon stares at me, the buildings insist to do the same.
I don't know yet if I'll miss it as much as he says he does.
I don't know if it will feel as weird as the last time.
Though I've got no other option so far,
Though i've got no other one so far,
There is nothing left but to try,
There is nothing left but to hide...
Time is known to help us all,
The time will come I'll have to try.
-x-

Wide Awake?

Waking up doesn't feel so good when your eyes close to this,
and open a whole new world.
If I could see this world the same way they do, there would be
no fun in closing my eyes, living those other li(v)es.
Suddenly I feel as if everything I used to think was completely mistaken.
As if I did what I've always hated to...
Talking about what you don't know,
is like driving without glasses on...
And now that I know it, I want to change sides.
I want to give up on it all.
I want to run away.
Rather, I want to fade away.
Maybe I'll settle in a couple of days, or weeks.
I need to be bored so i can finish it.
Falling asleep could really help me out.
Falling on the concrete, feeling such pain, may at least mean,
You knew how to fly.
-x- 28.06.12

Her.or.It.

After all these years. After all I've ever thought and said. After all my reckless opinions.
I find myself craving for it, waiting for him to come back so I can get some...
Not what you may think at first, though in the same sense ...
Since he is the only one who can provide me such relief...
Who'd have thought I'd be in such need for it after all these years?
This is alright in here because it is so damn far away,
But I know once I get home, I'll not be able to do so anymore...
I wouldn't be able to, I am, or will be, too close to the problem...
I don't feel like it would be safe to do it at home...
Maybe I am wrong... I sincerely hope so...
All I know is, that helps me, somehow...
That relieves me, somehow...
Somehow I don't feel so lost,
Somehow I feel like I could,
Somehow I feel like a dot,
About to drop down, and finish it all.
-x-

Him v.2

Sometimes I just hate how I had to adapt throughout my whole life to try to understand you, 

and this, somehow, has made me impossible. 

I thought if I could get you, act like you, talk like you, understand the things you do,

 you would accept me, like me, want to be with me.

After all these years I can do nothing but to accept I was terribly wrong. 

You don't care if we are not like you, nor if we never understand you. 

In fact this gives you stuff to talk about, jokes to make and basically makes your lives make sense. 

It is so sad because we at least can manage to act like you and have fun with you instead of with you. 

Sadly enough, you are not capable of doing the same. 

It is so fun to play with your minds, though when we really need you to act the way you are supposed to,

you walk away and pretend you don't know what you should do, or even better, who you should do. 

I am about to get sick of it. 

It is of course nice to have someone to talk about all those silly things they would just not care enough to…. 

but I feel as if all this bloody effort has been in vain. 

Of course I had lots of fun with you…

specially because of the wrong things I got to do alongside… 

but now that you're about to leave I am not sure how you feel about this, about us. 

Maybe you just don't give a shit after all… 

maybe I'll get to understand things better when we meet again in October

…who knows… 

All I know is I am not doing this anymore… 

I'd much rather be one of them, if it meant I could be with you.

Ghost

I need to see her. I need to talk to her.

I wish she could tell me the answers I seek.

I wish she could work this out for me.

No can do.

Truth is I hate having to put myself out there,

listening to people telling me what I already know.

But at the same time, I love doing all this on my own,

keeping their secrets somehow.

I must do this right because I see this as my only shot.

The more I overstay, the more I feel it.

I don't belong here anymore. And they all know that.

I feel like a ghost waiting for the certain amount of time

to pass so I can be free again.

It looks like a dangerous path.

However, I cannot find a single reason not to get down to it.

-x- 2.04.12