My rules?

I feel so weird right now.
A lot has happened since I returned,
But I don't seem to understand or absorve...
I still feel like it is just bad timing
If I had arrived a few days after
I would have missed it all
Or who knows?
It may had never happened.
Another count for my wishes
Another victory for reality
I feel bad and weak
No I can't let them know
I can never let it show
Nobody likes the ones who can't stand bad stuff
They don't come back to losers
Feeling is not easy
Sometimes I wish I was like before
But now I got used to it
To share and care
To seek for help
To seek for healing
I should never, I know
It breaks all the rules
The ones I made up alone
You will never need anyone
Or you'll do your best not to
Guess I have to remember it
Guess I'll have to grow back,
As cold as
-x-

Not to know

No idea why I do these things
Neither why I feel the way I do
Sometimes it is just so complicated...
I need to decide, I need to make choices
Right now I don't feel like I am able to.
My old wish that I could just postpone it all
Will never become real
Life's so bloddy repetitive it hurts.
Once again and nothing like before
It is different now
I want to give up once more.
I can not, I never could
Don't know how I kept this going.
Sometimes this thought
Comes back so strong and quickly
I amaze myself,
I stop to think.
It is rare,
As rare as feeling at all
But I can not avoid
It pushes me trhough the edge
It tells me I have to fall.
I am lost, and this is old news
I am hurt, as much or more as you.
This can't go on
I can't go on
Time to stop and run like before
Wish I didn't love you all
Wish I felt like before.
-x-

To know...

Stop pretending you don't care about people,

When deep down we all know that is a lie

If you are used to run away as much as I am

You know for sure they will manage to keep up

No matter how fast you go

They chase you down

Down to your soul

I did try for so long

Not used to failures, maybe this is one

I don't understand why,

I can't remeber when

I didn't do so for nothing

I do nothing for no reason

If that was a mistake

If trying to care is not for me

Guess I got too good doing what I should not

Forgetin' sometimes things don't go as you thought

Can't control, neither figure out

It hurts like hell

Wish I did not know how to fly.

-x-

Away

Is giving up really the easier path?
Done it before and never felt like that.
I always thought it would make everything look so simple
New places, new people, nothing's new
-The past does not repeat itself
This is what I keep trying to tell myself
Not something I believe
Indeed something I'd rather I did
There is no past, there is no future, just time there is
So long, so lost, so wrong
It is all over me, the things I left
It just occurred to me,
Perhaps giving up is not for everyone
As weird as it may sound
We are all taught to fight
No matter the age, place or sex
When you trhow it all away
When you don't care
You're seen as the crazy one
Another coward,
-Shall we run?
-x-

Just that

I've felt that so many times before,
but right now I am so lost I can't even avoid.
They all seem to know it so well,
when I would rather not to tell.
Truth is I have no idea where to go from here.
Of course I could stay,
though my fears would not dissapear...
I would feel like I have to share,
like I have to tell them everything I do not dare.
No idea why I feel like this.
The only time I can let it all be,
is when I just can not remeber it.
Yeah you know for sure what I mean.
I have made myself this cold and afraid,
because no one likes to be hurt again and again.
People are just this complicated.
And it seems I am faded to live along with them.
My intelligence is just another cover,
just another layer...
Wish I could live without it all,
wish I was not afraid to fall.
Not afraid to feel,
not afraid of what is real.
Well, I am.
I am that weak,
I am that desperate,
I am that lost.
I don't really care of what you thought...
Thing is, when you never know the difference between dreaming and living,
you get used to choose the later.
I got used to give up on dreaming.
Never had one of those,
and will never know how it feels.
This is the thing killing me.
What hurts is, not talking about it.
Nobody would ever get close to understand.
I'd rather keep on trying to live,
knowing sooner or later it will end.
-x-

She²

I have no idea how to explain what happens
She's so much like me and indeed so different
As life keeps moving on I just can't avoid thinking of it
Sometimes I think that in the end we are all the same
While most of the times I think it is just a huge coincidence
We are all here, we're all together
Though it will not always be like this
This is the only thing I hate to know beforehand
It may not for them but it will for myself
Yes it hurts when I stop to think,
and looking at her while she cries in front of me doesn't really help
She is the one with a million faces
Maybe she is not only one at all
It is up to you to think and decide
While I keep trying to change the subject
Hide.
My thoughts so cold and hurt
I get scared of hurting them as well
I get afraid of meaning anything at all
Afraid of the goodbyes I insist to think necessary
Just another excuse to run from the truth
I am not like her, I am not like you
And when you know you don't belong
You just want to be gone
I'm just not sure I can do it this time
Maybe I should show myself up and try...
-x-

Dream on...

Because sometimes dreams just don't come true.

It has been on my mind since I heard it again a couple of days ago.

It is nothing I had never thought before.

Eventhough listening to something so sincere made me crack,

At the same time I was able to understand what all of us seek from deep inside.

These little things that will never happen,

The single desire to unlock something unexpected.

When you have already been to the other side of this coin,

You just make something up,

You just make it strong.

Of course I am no expert to talk about them.

I am used to think I have given up on it a long time ago.

Yes, it does make you feel quite shalow during the complicated days

But the truth is, most of the people out there need nothing but a game.

It has made me so happy back a few years,

It has mad me love, sing - breath in...

When they were gone I was left with silence and hate - breath out...

Too cold to love, too hurt to care- close your eyes...

You do remember now - do you dare?

-x-