Let it rain

How I wish I could know what happens next.
Life`s not even close to these tv shows...
One never knows,
One never cares.
Yeah, that`s not good and it may not be fair.
But when you`ve seen what I did, you`ll think twice before you dare.
Sorry for the confusion and the lack of sense.
It happens a lot when I don`t know where to stand.
Truth is it all seems so calm I can not help but to expect for a storm.
Maybe I`ll swim out of it, maybe I`ll get lost and sink.
Nothing to worry right now since it has fallen apart once, yet we all survived.
It is for sure easier when you already know.
Well, if we knew it all before, we would probably end up killed by an endless storm.
-x-
Written on Aug. 6th

That's you

Why? It shouldn't feel so weird.
I thought after everything things would change between us.
This is myself not getting it right again.
Why can't I figure you out?
It is not hard for me
Oh please, don`t act surprised.
My point is,
When I seem to get closer, you just run to confuse.
Kind like what I love to do.
Not the same because you don`t go that far.
Not the same because I don`t go that far.
C`mon! That`s not being fun anymore.
They taught me sometimes it doesn`t hurt to trust.
Yeah, I know I shouldn`t do that.
I know you don`t cuz you have been as lost as me.
Just relax.
What I most learned from them,
Is that friendships come and go like these thoughts in your head.
I am happy at least this time, because that`s right.
Somethings you`ll always chase,
Others you already know where to find.
-x-
Written on Aug, 4th.

Ways

Suddenly I don't feel so lost anymore...
I know it's weird and I gave up on trying to understand.
But even now, when I seem to have found my way,
Telling the truth, talking to them,
It feels harder than it should.
This is the thing I don't seem to get...
Of course this is the first time I am living this sort of situation...
I have studied lots of things but this does not match...
I am confused and afraid to make any mistake at all.
I could blame it on her, my first shot, my single regret.
Here I'll add a new wish to my recurrent one:
If mistakes are not to be valued the most,
I do wish I could just close up my eyes
And let them find their way out.

-x-
Written on Aug. 2nd.

Nothing

There's nothing I can do
There's nothing I can say
Afterall, I know too little about them
But it hurts me
And I don't even know why
I was not supposed to care
I was not supposed to feel
This is way too much
This is nothing I know
I feel sad
I feel angry
I should not
I can not
This is no good for me
I have no idea how I got myself into this
It hurts
It hurts
Crying does not help
Thinking will not solve
This is no problem of mine
I am too tired to try
Here I give up
Wish I can not feel it
I do not like this
Will you hang on the fucking risk?
-x-

My rules?

I feel so weird right now.
A lot has happened since I returned,
But I don't seem to understand or absorve...
I still feel like it is just bad timing
If I had arrived a few days after
I would have missed it all
Or who knows?
It may had never happened.
Another count for my wishes
Another victory for reality
I feel bad and weak
No I can't let them know
I can never let it show
Nobody likes the ones who can't stand bad stuff
They don't come back to losers
Feeling is not easy
Sometimes I wish I was like before
But now I got used to it
To share and care
To seek for help
To seek for healing
I should never, I know
It breaks all the rules
The ones I made up alone
You will never need anyone
Or you'll do your best not to
Guess I have to remember it
Guess I'll have to grow back,
As cold as
-x-

Not to know

No idea why I do these things
Neither why I feel the way I do
Sometimes it is just so complicated...
I need to decide, I need to make choices
Right now I don't feel like I am able to.
My old wish that I could just postpone it all
Will never become real
Life's so bloddy repetitive it hurts.
Once again and nothing like before
It is different now
I want to give up once more.
I can not, I never could
Don't know how I kept this going.
Sometimes this thought
Comes back so strong and quickly
I amaze myself,
I stop to think.
It is rare,
As rare as feeling at all
But I can not avoid
It pushes me trhough the edge
It tells me I have to fall.
I am lost, and this is old news
I am hurt, as much or more as you.
This can't go on
I can't go on
Time to stop and run like before
Wish I didn't love you all
Wish I felt like before.
-x-

To know...

Stop pretending you don't care about people,

When deep down we all know that is a lie

If you are used to run away as much as I am

You know for sure they will manage to keep up

No matter how fast you go

They chase you down

Down to your soul

I did try for so long

Not used to failures, maybe this is one

I don't understand why,

I can't remeber when

I didn't do so for nothing

I do nothing for no reason

If that was a mistake

If trying to care is not for me

Guess I got too good doing what I should not

Forgetin' sometimes things don't go as you thought

Can't control, neither figure out

It hurts like hell

Wish I did not know how to fly.

-x-