Awareness

Is it worse not to acknowledge change? I mean, if you refuse to see, and if you do it consciously is it really a problem? My answer would certainly be no, if you are aware of the act, of the refusal, there is no problem to maintain a pattern. But if you don't acknowledge your condition, if you'd rather create something on your own, then this act would for sure not be accepted.

Just if you stop to think of it, refusing to acknowledge is pretty much what we do everyday. We may of course be aware of some of our actions but not all of them, and not because we can not, mostly because we don't want to. It is not different at all of a person refusing to see change.

And then of course I am forced to write about the concept. Change is obviously something that should never become real. Change goes strictly against routine, against what we are used to, what leaves us comfortable and allows us to predict. To come close to the future we never get to live. Well if it is never meant to happen it justifies the refusal, one can not acknowledge what was not predicted, what should not have.

If one could have one would have. This automatically destroys every thought of possibilities and kills with a single move every willing for change. What happened is what could have happened. If something did not take place at this we call reality then it doesn't exist. Then we do not acknowledge its existence.

Of course that's more a frequent thought of mine than something I'll ever be able to solve. And if I may add such thing, it is not my goal to solve anything. It is not my will to make change disappear.

-x-

Let go

Giving up. So much harder than commiting. Or at least this is how it should be. Though sometimes you just don't care. That's the hardest thing to learn. Not to care.
When one cares more than anything. When this is the one who needs to quit. It is just not enough to acknowledge. You have to close you eyes. Hold your breath. Get inside what you may never realize.
How good must it be. To have the courage inside. Control and dominate your mind. Without regrets and fears. It is for sure better not to live. Not to live this play. Role play and find the right guns, treasures...fun.
There should be rules. Predictable and ordinary problems to solve. Do not worry there would not even be a soul. Ideas, thoughts, confusion. That should happen no more.
If you can just drop. Let it go. Stop this thought. Just don't spread the news. I still need something to write about. I still need to dream.
-x-

Moving

Change always comes when less expected

This is why thou shall never think of plans too much

These will eventually have to be canceled

And I don't happen to think it is a bad thing, please don't get me wrong

It's just that everytime it happens - and it does not matter how the past presents itself- I get afraid, excited, happy...

This silly adiction of ours helps confusion and no one else

Future as a single repetition of this moment is freightening unknown

I can't help but expect the moments I have witnessed

However, I really hope these will also change when with me

Life's just fun

Change also is - not

Once again I find myself trapped by my own choices

They have proven themselves to be acceptable

And I tend to think this is not good

Maybe I should just stop thinking

It does not really matter right? or wrong?

No more concerns.

-x-

Problem solving addiction

You just can not help it. It's the pleasure, it's the fun and everything adrenaline and anxiety can get you involved at. Every new problem is just another challenge, just something else you have to surpass, you have to beat. Since little kids we are trained for that. The faster ones are the most successful and if you can not solve you can not pass. Not to the next level of this path they have arranged for us. Those who do not adapt can not win, not in this world, maybe at some other one. After some time you learn, or even better, you learn how to cheat. Because it is not possible for a human being to always be like this, we can not handle one hundred per cent of pressure and we do not enjoy it as much as they want us to. It has become a good one of mine, "the winners will not want to change the rules unless it means they will not be winners anymore". It is hard to describe but all of us, we at some point of this fucking lie called life, become addicted to it. To the idea of success, recognition, importance. It is just another way to become different when we all seem so alike. But you can not be that different, you gotta be different only in their ways, you can not out stand that much. People gotta be able to believe they will at some point of their own lies, wops, lives be able to be like you.

I call it addiction because it is what it is. You always want more of it, a great challenge, the concerns, the pain and after all that, we expect the glory, that perfect feeling that it was all correct. We seek for it and mostly we need it to keep moving, this lame idea of progress takes the best away of each one of us. One can not be heard, can not be taken seriously unless it has become as addicted as all of us. What gets you out of bed every day? yeah that's just it, this need, this sickness. We need to go out there, to try, to fail if we must. We enjoy it and we learn to call it fun, we learn to call it life. I can't believe that's how life's supposed to be. I hate being a part of this lame game as much as I believe you do. But it's hard to change the rules when you are so close to win.

So this is what I think. We are all so addicted to this little game that goes on between us up here, we love the challenges and the complications only because we at some point hope to get them substituted for something else, something that will make our lives meaningful or, something that will make the others believe our lives are like that, and then ...well...I do not believe I should explain that to you and I am really doing this because of this fucking addiction but...and then they will tell our stories the way it was never supposed to be told, hiding the mistakes and failures, hiding all the bad shit we did. Success if you can achieve it, will become your single definition and then it will become you.

Games are not life and we can not play with ourselves. It is just hard for a patient to get healed without help.

-x-

Him

Right now I feel like you're never coming back

Maybe it was just a wake up call. Woke myself up.

Even though the lack of feelings surprised me

Laughing just for doing it, yeah it did make me feel free

I just can't help but hate the past

It sure is worse to remember than forget

What if you don't come back at all?

Guess I have to remember you

However, my findings made my heart hurt

Wish I could just thank you for waking me up

Another honorable memory

To fool my forever-cold-heart

-x-

Life

If life is just a fucking dream

My "ifs" got no reason to exist

These pages may not be real at all

Everything's just locked up in my mind

Not that I think it should be like this

What I feel is real. Real for myself

Now, if my feelings don't count

How am I supposed to compare?

Mainly, why should I really care?

Once it is over for me it will for you too

I know it makes one desperate

I know it makes me wanna quit

But I won't give up!

They taught me to avoid easier paths

Even though I hate them...

Advices do are supposed to be taken

Promisse this will be the only one

And yeah you can be fucking sure

I am not doing it for fun.

-x-

Doubt

Doubt can hurt more than truth

All the possibilities will just mess you up

Patterns won't show up.It will not get better.

We are told to let go. Give up.

It is just hard to let the unknown

Curiosity will not save us

Anxiety is how it's called

We want to run as far as we can (not)

Burning our fingers tryin' to touch the sky

Loosing our sight searching for what we can't find

But does the process matter not?

Is experience our unique source?

Well...by what they say, we should betray our minds

Forget everything. Stop to try.

Though I will not quit, you can help yourself up

It is easier to let go.

You'd rather not to tell.

-x-