In here

Here I am and it feels a bit weird,
Meeting him after all these years...
My past and my present seem to be testing me
Whether I'll pass it is an answer out of reach.
One thing is clear and very much simple,
It feels good around him,
It feels good to be here.
There are of course stuff I need to do,
People I need to meet,
Though time keeps running out way too fast
My hope's to figure it out before anything goes wrong.
I almost lost it a couple of days ago,
I almost gave up, almost let go.
But then I gather up the tiny guts within me,
Drink a couple of beers,
And get back on my feet.
It is not always easy and never will it be,
I am lucky to have found the right people to accompany me.
They may not be as close as I want them to,
But maybe it is better like this...
I am not that nice under a closer look.
This is what I fear the most,
What if I get too close to him and it all goes wrong?
Somehow I'm being silly again...
I can't control it,
I can't predict.
Gotta follow their advice and let it be.
-x-

Farewell

I've been around I've seen stuff,
I've hurt people, I've been worse.
Now it's time to go,
No short notice, no time to moan...
I'll just leave and maybe come back to pick up my stuff.
That's the way it should be,
That's how I like it to be.
I just got here, no further notice,
Just like that I'll leave,
Maybe it will be good for both of us.
I'm glad I had time to see it all,
I'm glad I had time to enjoy it.
Though I know I'll never fully do it,
This is as close as I have ever got,
As I'll ever be...
Wish I could say everything I need to them,
Well, I'm not good at it, this is why I've got this.
No, they'll never know, and neither will she,
Who cares? Again, this is how it's supposed to be.
If it's a mistake, it'll be another one,
My list keeps going on and on,
Should I care? I don't think so.
I'm only sorry I could not share this with her...
I want to believe it is for the best,
I want to believe everything will be the same in the end...
Yeah, this doesn't help,
That doesn't help,
It doesn't help.
I will run again, trying not to hurt my knees as I fall,
Perhaps success awaits,
How does it feel?
I wish I fucking knew.
-x-

Back

I can't believe she's coming back.
In the past it would have messed everything up,
Though now it seems perfect,
I'll get my last days around here with her by my side,
What a better way to end this part?
She came with me in the beginning,
She'll be here to bring some closure.
A few years ago, I would be questioning myself,
Wouldn't it be better to stay now that they are all here?
Right now, however, I don't need to,
It is all very clear.
We all barely speak, and when we do it is the past,
Not the present, not the now and here.
Of course I worry about leaving her...
But she's got so much on her mind we won't even notice
As the months all go by.
I try to believe I'll be able to stick around every now and then,
If this doesn't happen I know they'll forget me and leave it behind,
I should've got used to it already.
Maybe if I believed I could do such thing...
The fact is I am running or dreaming of once again.
Right now everything is so shallow,
I just can't make any plans.
All I want is for all this to be worth the wait.
-x-

Kids

How could I not be mad at him?
I thought it was going to be as easy as the good old times...
My bad...
Now, more than ever he is showing me what a jerk he can be.
All I hear is bullshit and lies, another desperate attempt
to make things seem better,
Another desperate attempt to run from reality.
Sometimes when he is down and alone,
I feel like it could really work...
But he, more than myself, lives for the others,
Lives for what he makes of himself,
Not for what he really is...
No, I don't care anymore,
I tried once, twice, today.
I am done with all this,
After all, I am the one who is going away,
Why in heaven should I care?
In the end I would never be able to do what he did,
Forgive.
Though when this gets me, he comes and messes it all up...
Kids these days...
Maybe I really am too old for this shit...
Maybe I should let them be and just drink it all up.
And to think she worries about it.
No worries, not anymore.
I'll let their mistakes catch them up,
When they get to feel the hit,
They'll know what I mean.
-x-

No...thing

Nothing,
You won't say nothing, and it's just fine....
Somehow their words are better than my own...
I am so lost and somehow fine...
The hurry went away...I am not as lost as I seemed...
Though I am as lost as... few things came up, and all I do is help them up...
I want her to succeed, to him, let us all be clear...
Though for now this is the only way...
And I don't want to ever feel her pain...
Mama knows best, she always will,
She always has...
This is the only way...
May they make their own money...
May it be enough for him to stay...
Because he is my godson, and I am going to
Protect him no matter what....
He is not to blame for his fathers' fought...
I am here, and I will not let go, if i need to stay there I will...
Whatever it is...
Let things just be...
I would rather just fly...
I'd rather just be free...
Nothing will ever be as you wish them to be...
-x-

Disappear

What a waste of time.
I did everything wrong.
If I was supposed to end up like that
Then why in heaven go through it all?
I wasted my time
Their, his, money...
I never felt so useless,
So lost
What in heaven does she want me to do?
Fuck.
I can't find a way out,
No matter in how many fucking languages I can say that.
And I can't talk to anyone...
Like I ever could.
More than ever, I just want to fade...
I feel like this is enough,
Like I am not going to be able to accomplish anything else.
And this is the truth.
I am done. I should just go and end it all.
What is the fucking point of going on?
I have nobody, no job, nothing...
Wish I could just be by myself for a while,
But more than ever this is impossible.
Fuck it...

Where?

It should be quick,
It should end well,
No, that is not reality.
Most of the times I'd rather not to tell...
But now this is all that's left for me,
Now they are the only ones I can talk to,
And she feels once again as my sister.
So confusing.
I'm not sad or anything,
Somehow it all feels messed up.
So close.
It is over and real life awaits.
A piece of paper,
A story, a lie.
My success, my regrets...
So weird.
I am not the same anymore,
Yeah it's been ten years
And what years!
The past calls me,
It's an invitation. To my own party.
I feel obsolete.
What if I don't belong here?
Wish I had a map for it.
-x-