Back

I can't believe she's coming back.
In the past it would have messed everything up,
Though now it seems perfect,
I'll get my last days around here with her by my side,
What a better way to end this part?
She came with me in the beginning,
She'll be here to bring some closure.
A few years ago, I would be questioning myself,
Wouldn't it be better to stay now that they are all here?
Right now, however, I don't need to,
It is all very clear.
We all barely speak, and when we do it is the past,
Not the present, not the now and here.
Of course I worry about leaving her...
But she's got so much on her mind we won't even notice
As the months all go by.
I try to believe I'll be able to stick around every now and then,
If this doesn't happen I know they'll forget me and leave it behind,
I should've got used to it already.
Maybe if I believed I could do such thing...
The fact is I am running or dreaming of once again.
Right now everything is so shallow,
I just can't make any plans.
All I want is for all this to be worth the wait.
-x-

Kids

How could I not be mad at him?
I thought it was going to be as easy as the good old times...
My bad...
Now, more than ever he is showing me what a jerk he can be.
All I hear is bullshit and lies, another desperate attempt
to make things seem better,
Another desperate attempt to run from reality.
Sometimes when he is down and alone,
I feel like it could really work...
But he, more than myself, lives for the others,
Lives for what he makes of himself,
Not for what he really is...
No, I don't care anymore,
I tried once, twice, today.
I am done with all this,
After all, I am the one who is going away,
Why in heaven should I care?
In the end I would never be able to do what he did,
Forgive.
Though when this gets me, he comes and messes it all up...
Kids these days...
Maybe I really am too old for this shit...
Maybe I should let them be and just drink it all up.
And to think she worries about it.
No worries, not anymore.
I'll let their mistakes catch them up,
When they get to feel the hit,
They'll know what I mean.
-x-

No...thing

Nothing,
You won't say nothing, and it's just fine....
Somehow their words are better than my own...
I am so lost and somehow fine...
The hurry went away...I am not as lost as I seemed...
Though I am as lost as... few things came up, and all I do is help them up...
I want her to succeed, to him, let us all be clear...
Though for now this is the only way...
And I don't want to ever feel her pain...
Mama knows best, she always will,
She always has...
This is the only way...
May they make their own money...
May it be enough for him to stay...
Because he is my godson, and I am going to
Protect him no matter what....
He is not to blame for his fathers' fought...
I am here, and I will not let go, if i need to stay there I will...
Whatever it is...
Let things just be...
I would rather just fly...
I'd rather just be free...
Nothing will ever be as you wish them to be...
-x-

Disappear

What a waste of time.
I did everything wrong.
If I was supposed to end up like that
Then why in heaven go through it all?
I wasted my time
Their, his, money...
I never felt so useless,
So lost
What in heaven does she want me to do?
Fuck.
I can't find a way out,
No matter in how many fucking languages I can say that.
And I can't talk to anyone...
Like I ever could.
More than ever, I just want to fade...
I feel like this is enough,
Like I am not going to be able to accomplish anything else.
And this is the truth.
I am done. I should just go and end it all.
What is the fucking point of going on?
I have nobody, no job, nothing...
Wish I could just be by myself for a while,
But more than ever this is impossible.
Fuck it...

Where?

It should be quick,
It should end well,
No, that is not reality.
Most of the times I'd rather not to tell...
But now this is all that's left for me,
Now they are the only ones I can talk to,
And she feels once again as my sister.
So confusing.
I'm not sad or anything,
Somehow it all feels messed up.
So close.
It is over and real life awaits.
A piece of paper,
A story, a lie.
My success, my regrets...
So weird.
I am not the same anymore,
Yeah it's been ten years
And what years!
The past calls me,
It's an invitation. To my own party.
I feel obsolete.
What if I don't belong here?
Wish I had a map for it.
-x-

Too close

It's a smell

It's a taste

Under my skin it shows

Hate

No. Not that.

Courage is here, not there.

Not where it should be.

Wisdom is here, just where it should be.

Power is here, and also on my mind.

My addiction,

It should never hide.

Thinking too much.

Feeling too much.

The pain always shows up.

Though I can never trust my eyesight.

Misunderstood senses,

Guess we all suffer from it…

Wish I had the answers.

Wish I could tell you.

I am doing my best to avoid the tears from falling.

There are just too many things to keep my success apart.

-x- 

Let's go

I could write nonstop…

My thoughts

My thoughts

Are killing me little by little

Too much

Too much

Them, me, everything

Wish I could jump to the end

After all this was gone

After she came here

After I went home.

But I am about to leave the place I got used to call home.

I am about to finish my break of the real life

I never liked reality that much anyway

Now it's time to return

Dive in cold waters

Step on burning coal…

I try to run from it

Using my well-known tricks

These do not work

I am lost

I'm somehow free

I feel as if I could walk anywhere

Though they would always be watching me.

-x-