It's a new life

My mind is a mess
Everything is working out just fine...
Though in these days I seem so confused I can't find the right words
It has never been so hard
It has never been so easy
I've got the boys
I've got the job
I've got everything I could ever ask for
And oh my do I ask for things...
Every bloddy day I try to be thankful enough
But now I am just confused
Of course it will fade away
In a couple of days I'll bring myself back again
Not right now
All I need is this numbness...
It helps me out, not to worry
Not to think too much
It is so hard...
Against my nature, against my will.
Everybody seems to wish for my best
When all I want is for them to let me be
I never thought surviving could be so tricky...
Wrong at last
I seem to be mastering it
Perhaps finding someone good at last would help
Relying on others is not my biggest quality by far...
I've made it to this point
I'm sure I can keep on going
Why in heaven does she worry?
I don't worry myself about that.
It'll all work out I'm sure
I mean...if I don't believe who will?
Institutions, beliefs, expectations
Such confusing concepts
I need to settle
I should settle
But how could I?
Everything is moving, changing
And I thought change could not be real...
Not for me at least
Again, my mistake
As if I bothered counting them
As if I bothered forgetting them...
That, indeed, would be a bliss
Now this is my life
For as much as I try to run from it
This is how things should be
I just wanna learn how to live.
-x-

In here

Here I am and it feels a bit weird,
Meeting him after all these years...
My past and my present seem to be testing me
Whether I'll pass it is an answer out of reach.
One thing is clear and very much simple,
It feels good around him,
It feels good to be here.
There are of course stuff I need to do,
People I need to meet,
Though time keeps running out way too fast
My hope's to figure it out before anything goes wrong.
I almost lost it a couple of days ago,
I almost gave up, almost let go.
But then I gather up the tiny guts within me,
Drink a couple of beers,
And get back on my feet.
It is not always easy and never will it be,
I am lucky to have found the right people to accompany me.
They may not be as close as I want them to,
But maybe it is better like this...
I am not that nice under a closer look.
This is what I fear the most,
What if I get too close to him and it all goes wrong?
Somehow I'm being silly again...
I can't control it,
I can't predict.
Gotta follow their advice and let it be.
-x-

Farewell

I've been around I've seen stuff,
I've hurt people, I've been worse.
Now it's time to go,
No short notice, no time to moan...
I'll just leave and maybe come back to pick up my stuff.
That's the way it should be,
That's how I like it to be.
I just got here, no further notice,
Just like that I'll leave,
Maybe it will be good for both of us.
I'm glad I had time to see it all,
I'm glad I had time to enjoy it.
Though I know I'll never fully do it,
This is as close as I have ever got,
As I'll ever be...
Wish I could say everything I need to them,
Well, I'm not good at it, this is why I've got this.
No, they'll never know, and neither will she,
Who cares? Again, this is how it's supposed to be.
If it's a mistake, it'll be another one,
My list keeps going on and on,
Should I care? I don't think so.
I'm only sorry I could not share this with her...
I want to believe it is for the best,
I want to believe everything will be the same in the end...
Yeah, this doesn't help,
That doesn't help,
It doesn't help.
I will run again, trying not to hurt my knees as I fall,
Perhaps success awaits,
How does it feel?
I wish I fucking knew.
-x-

Back

I can't believe she's coming back.
In the past it would have messed everything up,
Though now it seems perfect,
I'll get my last days around here with her by my side,
What a better way to end this part?
She came with me in the beginning,
She'll be here to bring some closure.
A few years ago, I would be questioning myself,
Wouldn't it be better to stay now that they are all here?
Right now, however, I don't need to,
It is all very clear.
We all barely speak, and when we do it is the past,
Not the present, not the now and here.
Of course I worry about leaving her...
But she's got so much on her mind we won't even notice
As the months all go by.
I try to believe I'll be able to stick around every now and then,
If this doesn't happen I know they'll forget me and leave it behind,
I should've got used to it already.
Maybe if I believed I could do such thing...
The fact is I am running or dreaming of once again.
Right now everything is so shallow,
I just can't make any plans.
All I want is for all this to be worth the wait.
-x-

Kids

How could I not be mad at him?
I thought it was going to be as easy as the good old times...
My bad...
Now, more than ever he is showing me what a jerk he can be.
All I hear is bullshit and lies, another desperate attempt
to make things seem better,
Another desperate attempt to run from reality.
Sometimes when he is down and alone,
I feel like it could really work...
But he, more than myself, lives for the others,
Lives for what he makes of himself,
Not for what he really is...
No, I don't care anymore,
I tried once, twice, today.
I am done with all this,
After all, I am the one who is going away,
Why in heaven should I care?
In the end I would never be able to do what he did,
Forgive.
Though when this gets me, he comes and messes it all up...
Kids these days...
Maybe I really am too old for this shit...
Maybe I should let them be and just drink it all up.
And to think she worries about it.
No worries, not anymore.
I'll let their mistakes catch them up,
When they get to feel the hit,
They'll know what I mean.
-x-