Desert

Will I ever get used to it?
This feeling after every single time...
When I think you are ready for it,
When I think I've managed to crack your signs,
You disappear...
Guess I've got my very own mirage.
From up close you are all I want,
All I like to think I need.
Though as my eyes blink it all goes away
Now you are something else
Something I am not sure helps me.
I hate doubting myself,
For doubt reproduces at a pace my poor
self-esteem cannot handle,
Cannot win.
Will I ever win?
-x-

Chance

This too shall pass
For nothing will remain
When I close my eyes
And cannot see your face.

My mind is restless
I can't stop these thoughts
I can't avoid these feelings
The time has come
Maybe I can survive it.

My heart is pounding
Fear, excitement
All at once
Nothing at all.

My eyes have dried out
I am not desperate
I have made up my mind
I might as well fall
"Love is blindness".

My soul wants to try
Courage wants to play,
after all this time
There's nowhere to run
For time and only time,
Will show if I should give up.
-x-

Dream on

And when doubt knocks on my door,
Insecurity is more than happy to let it in,
My heart cries like a spoiled child,
The noise they make won't let it sleep.
Is it the way this is supposed to be?
Controlling them was never easy,
Releasing them will be too dangerous
To risk.
Maybe sleeping on it will make it fade,
This dream they call reality has an expiration date,
I was never used to dreming anyway,
Closed eyes, but no kiss.
Tomorrow I won't miss you.
And when it comes you will never understand why,
Because I will never tell you,
Because you will never ask,
This is the end I forecast.
I feel no fear for the first time,
Whislt it seems to like you as a mate,
It is a silly little thing when you see it,
When you really see it.
I don't know if it is my task to show you how,
I don't know if you are supposed to show me
Anything at all,
My weakness is only one for the time being,
Believing there is even the slightest sign
Of reason.
-x-

Calm?

After the worst has passed,
What is left for us to do?
I like the way things are,
But routines were never my thing.
I am not sure he knows how this will end.
I am not sure he thinks there is something to end.
As for me...somehow this has survived way longer than planned.
And boy do I tend to plan things...
It is all new. Which means there's only learning.
No winning. No losing.
I can already smell the storm, though not for him.
I am glad at least these parts of my life are not merged.
I will need discipline. I will need some greed.
That should be fun to watch.
May it be as fun to play.
-x-

Playing

Why do stuff like that?
If you are not willing to give 100% why bother trying?
Fear has never helped anyone.
I can't do it like this.
Whislt I'm willing to try,
you are afraid to lose.
As if you were the only one with a past. The only one who's ever been hurt or destroyed.
I am afraid you aren't.
Never will you be.
People.
I wanted to believe we were all here to learn about love.
I wanted to believe I was equally able to do so.
History shows otherwise.
My heart knows otherwise.
My mind feels otherwise.
Guess I'll have to settle with the bare minimun.
And settle with the things I have been able to understand.
People.
I feel so tired, so weak, so silly.
I hate making a fool of myself.
Weird for someone who loves jokes... Fuck it.
Nothing you cannot handle.
Nothing you cannot surpass.
Nothing you cannot learn from.
Nothing you cannot forget.
Nothing. No one.
I must keep on living for this is the reason I did not give up in the past.
Let's see if I can ever feel surprised at last...
-x-

DIRM

It came to me
It feels so right
Does it really matter?
Does it really matter?
Most of the time it does not
Most of the time I would not...
Dare. Feel. Care,
Fall...
It's me, them...can I?
He makes me feel like so.
He makes me feel as if I could try.
One love...
Love...
So unknown, so different.
Could I do that at last?
Could I settle and enjoy things for a change?
I believe I am ready to do this now...
Though the answers never come that easily to me,
Though letting myself go is new
New things have never hurt me that much anyway...
What else could I ask for?
Lucy has showed me the way,
Maybe I should follow it...
After all, I am the only one who's got the power...
The fucking power to hurt my own self,
The power to feel...
The power to let things be.
He cannot do that for me.
I, and solely, I.
Does it really matter?
May I have the wisdom, the power, the courage,
To find out.
-x-

Game on

Most of the times nothing's ever right

Sometimes things will feel just fine

In a while all you feel will vanish

A few seconds and we are nothing

It takes time. It always does.

And no one has ever understood why.

I can barely attempt to.

This feels nice, I cannot complain.

I've got the d. I've got the w. I've got the pain.

What to do next? Conquer, not divide.

What to do now? Clear up my fucking mind.

Putting my thoughts up in place,

Running, though keeping up my little pace.

Now boys…it is time to play.

I cannot help but to,

I will be the only one to blame.

The odds will not be on my favour…

As if it ever was…

I'll keep playing my game, 

I'll keep trying to learn.

Sometimes winning is the fairest way

To lose.